Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless

‘It’s Stage IV Skip Bayless, The Loudest, Most Aggressive Kind,’ Say Doctors

NEW YORK—Saying that nobody deserves to endure such an atrocious fate, doctors at Mount Sinai Medical Center announced at a press conference Tuesday that they had diagnosed cancer with stage IV Skip Bayless.

Surgical oncologist Dr. Andrew Bergman confirmed that Skip Bayless, one of the most dreaded and abhorrent diseases known to mankind, had metastasized, spreading throughout the malignant neoplasm and causing excruciating pain in the cancerous tissue.

“Realistically, cancer has little hope for survival with Skip Bayless this bad,” said Bergman, predicting that cancer will suffer severe agony brought on by the vociferous affliction that cuts off anyone in its path. “Based upon my professional experience, I’d say Skip Bayless is just about the worst thing you could have to deal with.”

“I wouldn’t wish Skip Bayless on my worst enemy,” Bergman solemnly continued.

According to Bergman’s prognosis, cancer will likely experience fatigue and nausea from Skip Bayless aggressively and rapidly spreading its inane remarks, noting that patients typically report severe shortness of breath as they become more exasperated with the cantankerous growth’s refusal to see logic.

Bergman told reporters that the cancer would continue to waste away, shriveling to a shell of its former self, until it eventually shuts down completely in reaction to the overwhelming smugness of Skip Bayless.

The oncologist confirmed that most Skip Bayless victims usually contract the despicable ailment within the first 15 minutes of televised segments.

“Unfortunately right now there is no cure for Skip Bayless,” said Bergman, adding that while early detection offers some hope for treatment, at this stage nearly 95 percent of patients will lose their battle with the self-satisfied disease. “It resists nearly everything we throw at it. It just continues to attack relentlessly without listening to a single thing. It pains me to say that fighting it is a completely futile effort.” 

“All we can do now is make the cancer as comfortable as possible and allow Skip Bayless to run its course,” Bergman continued.

According to Bergman, regular screenings for Skip Bayless are imperative, both through medical scans as well as routine self-checks at home. Bergman said that early warning signs of the highly virulent commentator include persistent headaches, loss of appetite, and abnormal bumps in ratings.

Bergman also stressed the importance of preventative care, stating that the incidence of Skip Bayless skyrockets amongst those who begin discussing the value of NBA power forward Kevin Durant or anyone who leaves ESPN on from 10 a.m. until noon.

“It tests your faith, even as a doctor, to see cancer saddled with something horrible like Skip Bayless,” said Bergman, reflecting on the anguish of those who must watch cancer struggle in vain as it attempts to cling to life, knowing they can do nothing to help. “People are always looking for a reason. They find themselves wondering how God could allow such a vicious thing like Skip Bayless to exist in this world.”

“All we can say is that Skip Bayless is something we wish modern medicine could have eradicated from society years ago,” added the oncologist.

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