adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cancer Researchers Develop Highly Promising New Pink Consumer Item

WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a landmark moment in the fight against one of the nation’s leading causes of death, a coalition of top breast cancer researchers announced Monday the development of a highly promising new pink consumer item. “After years of rigorous trials and test marketing, our team can confirm that this breakthrough product is both neon-pink and available for purchase,” said lead researcher Noah Weissman, who added that manufacturing facilities would quickly ramp up production of the revolutionary brightly colored consumer good to "get it in the hands of as many people as possible." “While we have made significant advances in our field over the years with other pink items and apparel, we believe this new commodity has the ability to be purchased by tens or even hundreds of thousands of people across the country. These are the breakthroughs we work so hard to achieve.” Weissman added that nothing is more fulfilling for him and his team than seeing a consumer who has been given another chance at owning something pink.


The way to win the fight against breast cancer is with a vaccine. Visit stopbreastcancer.org and see what the National Breast Cancer Coalition is doing to make one a reality.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close