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Cancer-Stricken Chuck Pagano Annoyed Colts Couldn't Win Second Game For Him

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

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INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

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BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

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Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

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Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

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Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

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Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

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Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

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Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

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WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

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Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

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Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

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2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

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Cancer-Stricken Chuck Pagano Annoyed Colts Couldn't Win Second Game For Him

INDIANAPOLIS—One week after the Colts upset the Green Bay Packers in his honor, leukemia-stricken head coach Chuck Pagano was reportedly annoyed after they lost 35-9 to the New York Jets on Sunday, expressing frustration over his team failing to win a second game for him.

“That win last week was one of the proudest moments of my coaching career,” a visibly weakened Pagano said from his bed at Indiana University’s Simon Cancer Center. “But, I mean, was that it? One game? It’s not like my cancer went away after one unexpectedly strong showing. It would have been really inspiring the second time.”

“This is cancer we’re talking about,” he added. “Shouldn’t they be trying to win five or six games for me? It’s not like I’m out with the flu.”

Pagano, who confirmed he watched the game from his hospital room, expressed disappointment that his team wasn’t playing harder for him, and said that by the way they were running around the field, it seemed as if they had assumed that only one win for a cancer-stricken coach was enough. Medical personnel attending Pagano said he was dismayed that his sickness had not galvanized players to win “just one more measly game.”

“Mr. Pagano kept saying he kind of thought his cancer might inspire his team to go on a four- or five-game winning streak that got more and more uplifting with every game,” said nurse Theresa Hernandez, urging reporters to give the Colts coach some time to rest because he’s been very morose this week. “I can’t say I blame him. I mean, your coach is battling a life-threatening disease, and you go out and throw two picks and get sacked four times? C’mon, [Andrew] Luck, try and tell me he’s in your thoughts and prayers with a performance like that.”

Hospital officials said Pagano is receiving the best care possible from some of the nation’s finest oncologists, adding that it’s “more than we can say he is receiving from a defensive line that’s supposed to be the strength of this Colts team.”

Overall, doctors said, the prognosis for Pagano remains relatively positive, but the coach’s mood turned grim while pondering how the Colts defense could allow 252 rushing yards against the Jets at a time when his “white blood cell count is through the roof.”

“The doctors say I’m responding well to treatments, but what I’m not responding well to is Shonn fucking Greene looking like a Pro Bowler against my defense,” said Pagano, pausing to calm himself down and regain his strength. “A little chemo I can handle just fine, but Mark Sanchez posting a 109 QB rating? You want to talk about things that make me sick, well, there you go.”

“It was Mark fucking Sanchez, for Christ sake,” Pagano added.

Pagano has stated on numerous occasions that the Green Bay win only encouraged him to fight harder and work his way back to coaching, but just one week later, much of that progress has reportedly been undone, leaving Pagano to question what he’s fighting for. With 1-5 Cleveland coming into town, the Colts have a chance to send their coach a message that hopefully gets him eating and communicating more than he has been during the past week.

“I don’t know,” Pagano said while staring out his hospital window, showing signs of dejection on his face. “Those guys just rolled over so easily against an opponent that everybody said was beatable. Did they forget that I have cancer or something? Is that why they played with such lack of heart?”

“It just gets you thinking, I guess,” Pagano added. “Maybe that’s easier.”

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