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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Candidates Annoyed To Have To Take Stance On Zinc Mining

WINONA, MO—After learning about the importance of zinc mining to residents in the crucial swing state of Missouri, presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama both expressed their irritation Monday over being forced to adopt a position on the issue in order to please voters. "I'll tell you what I think about zinc mining—I don't," an exasperated Obama told reporters, adding that he would reluctantly research the subject after finishing the "million other things" he had to do. "What's McCain's stance on it? I guess I'll be for it, unless he's for it, in which case I'll be against it. Either way I don't care." McCain had an identical reaction when informed that he would have to take a stance on health care, the economy, and education.

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