adBlockCheck

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News

Candlelight Vigilante Takes Commemorating Into Own Hands

PORTLAND, OR—The mysterious “Candlelight Vigilante,” a rogue mourner known for appearing alone in parks and town squares, lighting a single candle, and commemorating loss on his own terms, made his first public statement Tuesday night, speaking to reporters from a pay phone. “Sometimes, when the system fails to grieve properly, a man has to take mourning into his own hands,” said the notorious one-man memorializer, a stoic gravitas entering his voice as he broke a long-held moment of silence. “I commemorate where others don’t. If there’s a church, synagogue, or hospital parking lot in need of a public outpouring of respectful concern, I’ll be there. Nobody—not a community organizer or local pastor—tells me when to pay solemn tribute.” At press time, witnesses reported the Candlelight Vigilante had appeared suddenly along the shoulder of a highway, removed an elaborate floral display from a military duffel, and placed it along the roadside before quickly disappearing back into the shadows.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close