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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Candlelight Vigilante Takes Commemorating Into Own Hands

PORTLAND, OR—The mysterious “Candlelight Vigilante,” a rogue mourner known for appearing alone in parks and town squares, lighting a single candle, and commemorating loss on his own terms, made his first public statement Tuesday night, speaking to reporters from a pay phone. “Sometimes, when the system fails to grieve properly, a man has to take mourning into his own hands,” said the notorious one-man memorializer, a stoic gravitas entering his voice as he broke a long-held moment of silence. “I commemorate where others don’t. If there’s a church, synagogue, or hospital parking lot in need of a public outpouring of respectful concern, I’ll be there. Nobody—not a community organizer or local pastor—tells me when to pay solemn tribute.” At press time, witnesses reported the Candlelight Vigilante had appeared suddenly along the shoulder of a highway, removed an elaborate floral display from a military duffel, and placed it along the roadside before quickly disappearing back into the shadows.

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