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Canseco: 'Hey Guys, Who Wants To Come To My Big Steroid Party This Weekend?'

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Canseco: 'Hey Guys, Who Wants To Come To My Big Steroid Party This Weekend?'

MIAMI—Former MLB star and admitted steroid user Jose Canseco extended an informal invitation Monday to over 500 current and former professional baseball players, requesting their presence at his house this coming weekend for his annual steroid party.

"Hey guys, big steroid bash at my place," Canseco said while handing out flyers at a Toronto Blue Jays spring training intrasquad game. "Nothing too fancy, just a bunch of guys, hanging out, taking steroids. Tell your friends."

The party is historically an extravagant affair, usually featuring women in bikinis carrying silver trays of various types of anabolic steroids, four VIP suites upstairs where guests can sample steroids from Canseco's personal collection, a giant 40-foot-tall ice syringe filled with Dianabol, oil paintings of steroids on the walls, a keg of steroids, a disco ball, and a punch bowl spiked with steroids.

"Let me break it down for you: food, babes, steroids," said Canseco, leaning over the outfield fence of Dunedin Stadium, to Blue Jays centerfielder Vernon Wells. "Any steroid you want. Winstrol-Stanozolol, Deca-Durabolin, Sustanon, Anadrol, you name it. I even got some exotic steroids from South America, and I might bust out my own special homemade steroid blend. Oh, and if everyone chips in $5, I might get a steroid fountain. It's gonna be sweet."

"Imagine taking steroids all night long, how cool that would be," said Canseco, trying to get the attention of right-fielder Alex Rios. "Then multiply that by 100. That's how much this party's going to rule."

According to colored flyers for "Jose's 22nd Annual Roid-Fest" featuring block-lettered words reading "Music," "Cool!" "Steroids," "Awesome," and "Injections," the event will take place at Canseco's four-acre lakefront mansion in Fort Lauderdale. The event has been touted as a good chance for players to relax, try out some new steroids, bulk up before the season, meet other people who enjoy steroids, share steroid-related stories, and "just have fun."

"Psst," Canseco said to Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Scott Kazmir while he was warming up in the bullpen. "Hey Scott, hey man, Scott, hey Scott. Hey. Hey man, you wanna come over and take some steroids at my house Saturday? Everyone's gonna be there. Free roids, man. Free roids. They're good for you. It'll be fun. Trust me. Steroid party. My place. Be there."

Canseco said that the event will be catered, featuring hors d'oeuvres such as steroid-stuffed lobster puffs, mini steroid-burgers, and according to Canseco, "a big steroid cake filled with steroids." Bowls of pretzels, testosterone cypionate, and Cheetos will be situated in the house and by the pool, and will be replenished throughout the night.

"There will be a hot tub out back filled with steroids, and then we'll go in it and eat all the steroids, and then we'll fill it back up with hot water," Canseco said. "Then we'll sit in the hot tub, talk about steroids and stuff, have some laughs, do some steroids, whatever. Then these hot girls in string bikinis will come into the hot tub and do steroids with us. Perfect end to a perfect evening."

For entertainment, there will be a variety of games, including "Steroid Twister," "Guess That Steroid"—a game in which blindfolded guests must correctly identify the type of steroid that they just ingested—and something that Canseco only described as everyone dropping their pants and injecting steroids into each other's buttocks.

"Ever try a cherry steroid spritzer?" Canseco reportedly said to Cardinals first-baseman Albert Pujols Tuesday. "It's like a wine spritzer, but with steroids. Come on, come to my house. If you come, everyone will come. You didn't come last year. You owe me."

"One thing, though: At the end of the night, we all have to pose for a big group photo," Canseco added. "We can do one where we're all doing goofy poses and wearing silly hats and stuff, since we'll all be in such a good mood on account of all the steroids. But then we have to do a more serious one, where everyone looks straight ahead at the camera."

Most players said they would attend.

"I guess I'll go," said Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada. "[Canseco] kind of creeps me out, though. He's always writing stuff down and trying to talk to me about how to 'cycle' and 'stack' performance-enhancing drugs, but I have to hand it to the guy—he knows how to throw a steroid party."

"Even though I most certainly do not use steroids, and I never have, and the mere thought is reprehensible, that steroid party should be a good time," Tigers DH Gary Sheffield said. "Sometimes things get a little out of hand, like in 2003, when I lost my shit and almost killed a guy and then blacked out. But you know what they say—it's not a steroid party till something gets broken."

"Canseco's steroid parties are always lame," Pirates first-baseman Adam LaRoche said. "Last year when I showed up, all the steroids were already gone and it was just Jose Canseco, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmeiro sitting on the couch, roided out of their minds, watching Mr. Baseball on TBS."

Roger Clemens said that he would not be attending, but asked for directions to Canseco's house just in case he has to drop by for a few minutes to pick up his wife.

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