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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Can't Go Wrong With A Cheeseburger, Area Man Reports

SCOTTSVILLE, NY—Unfamiliar with the menu at local restaurant Scully's and faced with the decision of what to order for lunch, diner Michael Cort, 25, made clear his belief Monday that one cannot go wrong with a cheeseburger. "Pretty hard to screw up one of those guys," said Cort, adding that he would be hard-pressed to remember an occasion on which he had consumed a less-than-satisfactory cheeseburger. "It's a classic. Medium-rare cheeseburger, lettuce, tomato, some fries. Can't beat it." Cort went on to advise those with him to "steer clear" of the fish fry.

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