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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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‘Capital One Is A Terrible Bank,’ Says Charles Barkley In New Capital One Commercial

ATLANTA—Addressing the camera while seated on a couch between Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee, NBA legend and basketball analyst Charles Barkley declared that “Capital One is a terrible bank” in a new Capital One commercial that aired Thursday. “Capital One is a horrible company that screws over all of their customers, and nobody should use them,” said Barkley while eating a bowl of chips in front of a television broadcasting a basketball game, adding that he could probably think of at least ten banks viewers would be better off patronizing, even if they have poor credit. “They don’t listen to any complaints, they charge huge fees, and the financial advice you get from their experts is awful. They just want your money and don’t care about you at all. I fucking hate Capital One.” Barkley reportedly then turned to Lee and Jackson and informed them that he’s never worked with two bigger assholes.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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