MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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‘Capital One Is A Terrible Bank,’ Says Charles Barkley In New Capital One Commercial

ATLANTA—Addressing the camera while seated on a couch between Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee, NBA legend and basketball analyst Charles Barkley declared that “Capital One is a terrible bank” in a new Capital One commercial that aired Thursday. “Capital One is a horrible company that screws over all of their customers, and nobody should use them,” said Barkley while eating a bowl of chips in front of a television broadcasting a basketball game, adding that he could probably think of at least ten banks viewers would be better off patronizing, even if they have poor credit. “They don’t listen to any complaints, they charge huge fees, and the financial advice you get from their experts is awful. They just want your money and don’t care about you at all. I fucking hate Capital One.” Barkley reportedly then turned to Lee and Jackson and informed them that he’s never worked with two bigger assholes.

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