Captor, Captive Have Different Senses Of Humor

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Captor, Captive Have Different Senses Of Humor

BAGHDAD—Volunteer aid worker Roy Rodriguez, 23, and the man who keeps him caged in a basement in suburban Baghdad have very different senses of humor, Rodriguez said in a video shown on Al Jazeera Tuesday. "He's into slapstick—he laughs when I take a harsh blow or get kicked down the basement steps," Rodriguez said. "I'm more of a Seinfeld fan—I see the absurdity in little things, like the fact that an Arabic speaker who coordinates relief efforts in Iraq is this moron's sworn enemy." Rodriguez added that he found the reaction to the recent group of Danish cartoons spoofing the prophet Muhammad "sort of funny," but that his captor "doesn't see the joke."

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