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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Car Dealership Giving Serious Thought To Ending Sponsorship Deal With Jerry Sandusky

ALTOONA, PA—Admitting that the promotion has not been as successful as they would have hoped, salespeople at Mattingly Perkins Automotive told reporters Wednesday that they are giving serious thought to putting an end to the car dealership’s sponsorship deal with convicted pedophile and current spokesman Jerry Sandusky. “With as much as people around here love the Nittany Lions, we figured taking a former Penn State football coach and making him the face of our business was a surefire move, but I have to say that the reception so far has been pretty lukewarm,” said senior sales manager Ralph Perkins, referring to the dealership’s ongoing arrangement with Sandusky, in which the alleged child molester’s image and personal testimonials have been used to plug new and used sedans, pickup trucks, and SUVs. “Frankly, a lot of our customers appear extremely disgusted that we’ve chosen to go this route, but at this point it feels like we’re pretty committed to the promotion. I mean, that giant inflatable Sandusky out front cost us a good two grand, and we’ve got like 15 cardboard cutouts of him set up in the showroom. But unless we start moving some serious volume, we may want to at least weigh our options.” Perkins added that management was also considering a move to pull a locally aired commercial in which Sandusky drives up to the dealership in a flashy convertible, hops out to kick a football squarely through the uprights, and then celebrates with dozens of ecstatic children.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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