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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Car Dealership Giving Serious Thought To Ending Sponsorship Deal With Jerry Sandusky

ALTOONA, PA—Admitting that the promotion has not been as successful as they would have hoped, salespeople at Mattingly Perkins Automotive told reporters Wednesday that they are giving serious thought to putting an end to the car dealership’s sponsorship deal with convicted pedophile and current spokesman Jerry Sandusky. “With as much as people around here love the Nittany Lions, we figured taking a former Penn State football coach and making him the face of our business was a surefire move, but I have to say that the reception so far has been pretty lukewarm,” said senior sales manager Ralph Perkins, referring to the dealership’s ongoing arrangement with Sandusky, in which the alleged child molester’s image and personal testimonials have been used to plug new and used sedans, pickup trucks, and SUVs. “Frankly, a lot of our customers appear extremely disgusted that we’ve chosen to go this route, but at this point it feels like we’re pretty committed to the promotion. I mean, that giant inflatable Sandusky out front cost us a good two grand, and we’ve got like 15 cardboard cutouts of him set up in the showroom. But unless we start moving some serious volume, we may want to at least weigh our options.” Perkins added that management was also considering a move to pull a locally aired commercial in which Sandusky drives up to the dealership in a flashy convertible, hops out to kick a football squarely through the uprights, and then celebrates with dozens of ecstatic children.

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