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Sports

Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Car Dealership Giving Serious Thought To Ending Sponsorship Deal With Jerry Sandusky

ALTOONA, PA—Admitting that the promotion has not been as successful as they would have hoped, salespeople at Mattingly Perkins Automotive told reporters Wednesday that they are giving serious thought to putting an end to the car dealership’s sponsorship deal with convicted pedophile and current spokesman Jerry Sandusky. “With as much as people around here love the Nittany Lions, we figured taking a former Penn State football coach and making him the face of our business was a surefire move, but I have to say that the reception so far has been pretty lukewarm,” said senior sales manager Ralph Perkins, referring to the dealership’s ongoing arrangement with Sandusky, in which the alleged child molester’s image and personal testimonials have been used to plug new and used sedans, pickup trucks, and SUVs. “Frankly, a lot of our customers appear extremely disgusted that we’ve chosen to go this route, but at this point it feels like we’re pretty committed to the promotion. I mean, that giant inflatable Sandusky out front cost us a good two grand, and we’ve got like 15 cardboard cutouts of him set up in the showroom. But unless we start moving some serious volume, we may want to at least weigh our options.” Perkins added that management was also considering a move to pull a locally aired commercial in which Sandusky drives up to the dealership in a flashy convertible, hops out to kick a football squarely through the uprights, and then celebrates with dozens of ecstatic children.

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