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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Car Dealership Giving Serious Thought To Ending Sponsorship Deal With Jerry Sandusky

ALTOONA, PA—Admitting that the promotion has not been as successful as they would have hoped, salespeople at Mattingly Perkins Automotive told reporters Wednesday that they are giving serious thought to putting an end to the car dealership’s sponsorship deal with convicted pedophile and current spokesman Jerry Sandusky. “With as much as people around here love the Nittany Lions, we figured taking a former Penn State football coach and making him the face of our business was a surefire move, but I have to say that the reception so far has been pretty lukewarm,” said senior sales manager Ralph Perkins, referring to the dealership’s ongoing arrangement with Sandusky, in which the alleged child molester’s image and personal testimonials have been used to plug new and used sedans, pickup trucks, and SUVs. “Frankly, a lot of our customers appear extremely disgusted that we’ve chosen to go this route, but at this point it feels like we’re pretty committed to the promotion. I mean, that giant inflatable Sandusky out front cost us a good two grand, and we’ve got like 15 cardboard cutouts of him set up in the showroom. But unless we start moving some serious volume, we may want to at least weigh our options.” Perkins added that management was also considering a move to pull a locally aired commercial in which Sandusky drives up to the dealership in a flashy convertible, hops out to kick a football squarely through the uprights, and then celebrates with dozens of ecstatic children.

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