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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions. “Head northeast on Crawford Street toward Commerce Street,” an automated voice reverberating from the car’s sound system reportedly stated, causing the vehicle’s windows to rattle as the driver nodded along with the thunderous instructions to drive half a mile and keep right at the fork. “Follow signs for U.S. 59 North. Use the middle lane to merge onto I-69/U.S. 59 North.” At press time, onlookers reported hearing a deafening chorus of “make a U-turn” after the car appeared to drive down an unmarked side street.

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