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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions. “Head northeast on Crawford Street toward Commerce Street,” an automated voice reverberating from the car’s sound system reportedly stated, causing the vehicle’s windows to rattle as the driver nodded along with the thunderous instructions to drive half a mile and keep right at the fork. “Follow signs for U.S. 59 North. Use the middle lane to merge onto I-69/U.S. 59 North.” At press time, onlookers reported hearing a deafening chorus of “make a U-turn” after the car appeared to drive down an unmarked side street.

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