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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night

VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek
is going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday.
"You would not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak,"
the salesman told an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about
to sign on a 2002 Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to
here." Glodek then suggested the couple go outside for "one more look at that
beaut of a Prizm."

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