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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night

VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek
is going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday.
"You would not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak,"
the salesman told an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about
to sign on a 2002 Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to
here." Glodek then suggested the couple go outside for "one more look at that
beaut of a Prizm."

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