adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cardinals Find Themselves In Wouldn't-Hurt-To-Win-But-Don't-Really-Have-To Situation

PHOENIX—With a cushy four-game lead in their division following their 26-20 win over the Seahawks last week, the Arizona Cardinals head into week 12 of the regular season in a crucial wouldn't-hurt-to-win-but-don't-really-have-to situation. "As Arizona Cardinals, there is nothing we prepare for more than these at-first-glance-big-but-truly-unimportant-in-the-greater-scheme-of-things games," head coach Ken Whisenhunt said in a press conference earlier this week. "We need to get out there, play physical, and execute, though if we don't it probably won't be the worst thing in the world. I can already see one or two games after this one that are more important, and that's not even counting the playoffs, which we're pretty much guaranteed to make at this point." Whisenhunt added that playing in the worst division in football makes it hard to estimate his team's chances against the Giants but "certainly has its compensations."

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close