adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cardinals Find Themselves In Wouldn't-Hurt-To-Win-But-Don't-Really-Have-To Situation

PHOENIX—With a cushy four-game lead in their division following their 26-20 win over the Seahawks last week, the Arizona Cardinals head into week 12 of the regular season in a crucial wouldn't-hurt-to-win-but-don't-really-have-to situation. "As Arizona Cardinals, there is nothing we prepare for more than these at-first-glance-big-but-truly-unimportant-in-the-greater-scheme-of-things games," head coach Ken Whisenhunt said in a press conference earlier this week. "We need to get out there, play physical, and execute, though if we don't it probably won't be the worst thing in the world. I can already see one or two games after this one that are more important, and that's not even counting the playoffs, which we're pretty much guaranteed to make at this point." Whisenhunt added that playing in the worst division in football makes it hard to estimate his team's chances against the Giants but "certainly has its compensations."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close