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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Cardinals Host Going-Away Party At Pope's Favorite Vatican City Dive Bar

VATICAN CITY—Following Pope Benedict XVI’s announcement that he will resign the papacy at the end of the month, a group of cardinals reportedly hosted a going-away party for the pontiff at his favorite Vatican City dive bar, The Empty Chalice, on Thursday night. “Ratzy’s had a wild ride for the past eight years, and me and the guys figured there was no better way to send him off in style than a night out at the Chalice,” a visibly intoxicated Cardinal Bishop Angelo Sodano said of the celebration at the dingy, no-frills watering hole, which sources said is renowned for its €2 shot specials and is reportedly “stumbling distance” from the 85-year-old pontiff’s private quarters at the Apostolic Palace. “This is our usual after-work spot and we’ve had a lot of rowdy times here, so tonight might get a little out of control. Hey, they don’t call this place ‘Puke-arist’ for nothing!” At press time, Benedict and his archdiocese heads had reportedly been ejected from the bar for harassing a group of young boys at the other end of the bar.

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