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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Cardinals Host Going-Away Party At Pope's Favorite Vatican City Dive Bar

VATICAN CITY—Following Pope Benedict XVI’s announcement that he will resign the papacy at the end of the month, a group of cardinals reportedly hosted a going-away party for the pontiff at his favorite Vatican City dive bar, The Empty Chalice, on Thursday night. “Ratzy’s had a wild ride for the past eight years, and me and the guys figured there was no better way to send him off in style than a night out at the Chalice,” a visibly intoxicated Cardinal Bishop Angelo Sodano said of the celebration at the dingy, no-frills watering hole, which sources said is renowned for its €2 shot specials and is reportedly “stumbling distance” from the 85-year-old pontiff’s private quarters at the Apostolic Palace. “This is our usual after-work spot and we’ve had a lot of rowdy times here, so tonight might get a little out of control. Hey, they don’t call this place ‘Puke-arist’ for nothing!” At press time, Benedict and his archdiocese heads had reportedly been ejected from the bar for harassing a group of young boys at the other end of the bar.

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