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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Cardinals To Donate $1,000 To Charity Every Time John Lackey Hits A Batter

ST. LOUIS—As part of their ongoing effort to give back to the community, the St. Louis Cardinals announced Friday that the team will be donating $1,000 to charity for every batter that starting right-hander John Lackey hits with a pitch. “The Cardinals organization has always sought to lend a hand to those in need, so in that spirit, we will now be contributing to a number of national and local charities every time John plunks someone on the numbers,” Cardinals team president Bill DeWitt III told reporters, noting that the initiative will run through the end of the season, with the ultimate goal of $50,000 raised for good causes. “Whether John tags a batter in the back, beans him right on the helmet, or even just hits his arm with a pitch that’s high and inside, we’ll be writing a check. We hope these worthy charities will be able to do a lot of good with this money, and we’re fully confident that John will do his part.” DeWitt went on to say that the franchise would also be pledging $10,000 to the St. Louis Children’s Hospital every time a player on the opposing team charges the mound and sparks a bench-clearing brawl.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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