adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cardinals To Donate $1,000 To Charity Every Time John Lackey Hits A Batter

ST. LOUIS—As part of their ongoing effort to give back to the community, the St. Louis Cardinals announced Friday that the team will be donating $1,000 to charity for every batter that starting right-hander John Lackey hits with a pitch. “The Cardinals organization has always sought to lend a hand to those in need, so in that spirit, we will now be contributing to a number of national and local charities every time John plunks someone on the numbers,” Cardinals team president Bill DeWitt III told reporters, noting that the initiative will run through the end of the season, with the ultimate goal of $50,000 raised for good causes. “Whether John tags a batter in the back, beans him right on the helmet, or even just hits his arm with a pitch that’s high and inside, we’ll be writing a check. We hope these worthy charities will be able to do a lot of good with this money, and we’re fully confident that John will do his part.” DeWitt went on to say that the franchise would also be pledging $10,000 to the St. Louis Children’s Hospital every time a player on the opposing team charges the mound and sparks a bench-clearing brawl.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close