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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Career Highlights Of Fat Kid Brian Muskeep

10-year old Brian Muskeep was named the Beltline Grill Cardinals starting catcher this week, a natural fit for a player of his unique physical capabilities. Brian slipped on the tools of ignorance after a long, distinguished career as team fat kid, during which time he led his teams in key categories like strikeouts and errors. Here is an incomplete list of the highs and lows of this fat little man's Little League career:

  • March 2008 - first practice with Bella's Florist Small Fries, Brian is slotted into cleanup spot when coach assumes "he must have power, look at him"
  • July 2008 - reprimanded record 17th time for sitting in dirt smashing ants with thumb
  • March 2009 - wears record four sweatshirts at once
  • April 2009 - it is determined that no uniform size will fit him, league makes special allowance to let Brian play in an extra large red t-shirt
  • June 2009 - briefly becomes "first fat kid" when fat kid Mike Sampson makes it onto team, who is known as "other fat kid"
  • August 2009 - thrown out at first base by left fielder
  • June 2010 - Brian makes debut at undemanding position of first base and lasts 2 innings before taking line drive off shoulder and crying for 10 minutes
  • July 2010 - becomes the first beneficiary of "Brian's Rule" after his coach attempts to not play him for a second straight game
  • March 2011 - becomes the first catcher in league history to ask he umpire to throw the ball back to the pitcher

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