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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Career Highlights Of Fat Kid Brian Muskeep

10-year old Brian Muskeep was named the Beltline Grill Cardinals starting catcher this week, a natural fit for a player of his unique physical capabilities. Brian slipped on the tools of ignorance after a long, distinguished career as team fat kid, during which time he led his teams in key categories like strikeouts and errors. Here is an incomplete list of the highs and lows of this fat little man's Little League career:

  • March 2008 - first practice with Bella's Florist Small Fries, Brian is slotted into cleanup spot when coach assumes "he must have power, look at him"
  • July 2008 - reprimanded record 17th time for sitting in dirt smashing ants with thumb
  • March 2009 - wears record four sweatshirts at once
  • April 2009 - it is determined that no uniform size will fit him, league makes special allowance to let Brian play in an extra large red t-shirt
  • June 2009 - briefly becomes "first fat kid" when fat kid Mike Sampson makes it onto team, who is known as "other fat kid"
  • August 2009 - thrown out at first base by left fielder
  • June 2010 - Brian makes debut at undemanding position of first base and lasts 2 innings before taking line drive off shoulder and crying for 10 minutes
  • July 2010 - becomes the first beneficiary of "Brian's Rule" after his coach attempts to not play him for a second straight game
  • March 2011 - becomes the first catcher in league history to ask he umpire to throw the ball back to the pitcher

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