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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Career Highlights Of Fat Kid Brian Muskeep

10-year old Brian Muskeep was named the Beltline Grill Cardinals starting catcher this week, a natural fit for a player of his unique physical capabilities. Brian slipped on the tools of ignorance after a long, distinguished career as team fat kid, during which time he led his teams in key categories like strikeouts and errors. Here is an incomplete list of the highs and lows of this fat little man's Little League career:

  • March 2008 - first practice with Bella's Florist Small Fries, Brian is slotted into cleanup spot when coach assumes "he must have power, look at him"
  • July 2008 - reprimanded record 17th time for sitting in dirt smashing ants with thumb
  • March 2009 - wears record four sweatshirts at once
  • April 2009 - it is determined that no uniform size will fit him, league makes special allowance to let Brian play in an extra large red t-shirt
  • June 2009 - briefly becomes "first fat kid" when fat kid Mike Sampson makes it onto team, who is known as "other fat kid"
  • August 2009 - thrown out at first base by left fielder
  • June 2010 - Brian makes debut at undemanding position of first base and lasts 2 innings before taking line drive off shoulder and crying for 10 minutes
  • July 2010 - becomes the first beneficiary of "Brian's Rule" after his coach attempts to not play him for a second straight game
  • March 2011 - becomes the first catcher in league history to ask he umpire to throw the ball back to the pitcher

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