Career Spider Not Sure She's Ready For 3,000 Children At This Point

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Vol 49 Issue 02

Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season

MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn h...

I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer

NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the country’s Eastern Seaboard, had begun treatment for stage III highway cancer, an advan...

Noogies Around The World

National Geographic 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST It turns out that some countries don’t even call them noogies; they call them something else in their own language.

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food.

Packers vs. Niners

The Packers battle the 49ers in the NFC divisional playoff game for a rematch of every single time these two teams have met.

Denzel Washington

Even though he probably won’t win Best Actor, Denzel Washington is planning to attend the Oscars all the same.
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Career Spider Not Sure She's Ready For 3,000 Children At This Point

COLUMBUS, OH—Thryssskmsss, a 2-year-old barn funnel weaver spider, confided to friends Wednesday that she isn’t sure she’s ready for 3,000 children at this point in her life. “There’s so much I want to do—explore the world’s dark cracks, visit the drainpipes, see what it’s like to eat a dragonfly—but I can’t do those things if I’ve got several hundred spiderlings clinging to every leg,” the spider said from the eaves of her Columbus home. “If I had 3,000 hungry mandibles to feed, I’d be in the web catching flies all day, and that’s just not where I’m at right now.” Thryssskmsss added that she expects one day she’ll be ready to settle down and find a nice male to mate with and then devour.

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