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Careless Blazers Goofing Around With Basketball Shatter Greg Oden Into Thousand Pieces

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Careless Blazers Goofing Around With Basketball Shatter Greg Oden Into Thousand Pieces

PORTLAND, OR—Although Portland Trail Blazers coach Nate McMillan has repeatedly warned his team about using the basketball around "valuable" and "really fragile" center Greg Oden, several players accidentally knocked the seven-footer to the floor with a carelessly thrown ball Thursday and shattered him into a thousand pieces.

"Oh, man, if Coach sees this we're gonna be in so much trouble," Blazers guard Brandon Roy told reporters while sifting through broken sections of Oden's legs, arms, head, and torso. "We're not gonna be able to play basketball anymore or go out or do anything."

"I can't believe it," Roy added. "The ball barely touched him."

According to team sources, Roy, point guard Andre Miller, and forwards Nicolas Batum and LaMarcus Aldridge picked up a basketball in the Blazers practice facility and started bouncing it near Oden, an exquisite but easily broken player Portland purchased in 2008 for $6.7 million.

As the teammates continued to fool around, their play reportedly grew riskier and more aggressive, with players dribbling the basketball very close to the delicate center and passing it dangerously close to his body and over his head. At one point several Blazers approached Oden while wiggling their fingers very close to him, saying "I'm a dainty little center that nobody's allowed to touch" in a mocking tone of voice, and pretending to drop him on the hardwood floor.

Sources confirmed that after an errant pass from Miller careened off Roy's fingertips and hit Oden's shoulder, Oden teetered from side to side for a tense moment—during which unbelieving players found themselves unable to move—before toppling to the ground just out of reach of a diving Roy.

The team reportedly stared silently at the broken pieces of Oden for several seconds until Roy said, "We're dead. We are so dead."

"Don't look at me like that, Andre," he added upon noticing Miller staring at him. "You threw that pass. This is as much your fault as it is mine."

"Coach said to always be careful around Greg, because Greg costs a lot and even the slightest amount of basketball can damage him," said Batum, who has been charged with making sure teammate Sean Marks doesn't see the broken Oden because Marks "would tell on us in a second." "Man, why didn't we just listen to Coach? That was his favorite center. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot."

After gathering the larger parts of Oden that were still somewhat intact and sweeping up the tiny pieces of his shattered face into a dustpan, the players hit upon the idea of replacing the former No. 1 draft pick with teammate Marcus Camby or perhaps retired Boston Celtic Robert Parish. However, they quickly but reluctantly agreed that McMillan would definitely know the difference.

Power forward Dante Cunningham suggested replacing Oden with retired center Shawn Bradley and was immediately told to "just leave."

Working from a picture of Oden hanging in the team's front office, the players proceeded to reassemble the center with superglue and Scotch tape. Though they were adamant it was the best they could do on such short notice, the plan has had its setbacks.

"LaMarcus glued Greg's left eye on upside down, and his one arm was hanging 5 inches lower than the other until we kind of hitched it up with some staples," said guard Rudy Fernandez, who ended up helping after Roy threatened to tell McMillan that Fernandez was the one who accidentally threw rookie Elliot Williams out with the trash last week. "Also, to get these surgery scars on his knees to match up exactly is just impossible."

"Wait, guys," Fernandez continued. "Greg had five fingers on his left hand, right?"

The players estimated they had two hours to put Oden back together before McMillan returned from a performance of Die Fledermaus, his favorite opera, with assistant coach Bernie Bickerstaff. McMillan called to check in with the team at intermission and Roy said that everything was "just fine" and that "Greg Oden is doing especially great, and everything is perfect with him and there's nothing to worry about at all in terms of Greg Oden. Why would there be anything to worry about? Don't you trust us? Geez, Mr. McMillan. Bye."

"We're so dead," Roy repeated after hanging up the phone.

With time running out, the players had roughly reassembled their teammate, figuring that given Oden's track record of injuries, McMillan might not be able to tell that the center was missing an elbow or that his jersey was concealing several large cracks in his chest.

"I have a friend who plays for the Celtics, and he said Shaq's body shatters all the time," Camby said. "So the plan is, the next time that happens, he'll gather the extra body parts we need and send them to us. We have time. It's not like Greg was going to be playing basketball soon, anyway."

At press time, McMillan had entered the gym, glanced at his center, and shrugged before turning to leave and slipping on one of Oden's vertebrae.

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