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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Caring For Your Car

Regular maintenance will make your automobile safer to dive and extend the life of your vehicle, saving you money in the long run. Here are some tips to help keep your car in tip-top shape:

  • Oil is a non-renewable resource that's bad for the environment when wasted. Drive your car until it is completely out before adding more.
  • Always drive with all four wheels.
  • Bungee-cord your front bumper to your neighbor's rear bumper to save
    on gas and engine wear. Keep insisting it's a coincidence that you're going
    the same place. If he or she asks where you are going next, say you haven't
    decided yet.
  • Use a high-pressure hose to periodically spray slippery, dangerous
    vomit off floormats.
  • Find a mechanic who takes the time to change your car's velocity-extension
    belt and Jupiter rings, which many mechanics often overlook.
  • To extend the life of your car battery, keep it in the refrigerator
    when not in use.
  • In times of engine trouble, putting your fist through the dashboard
    probably won't fix your car's malfunction, but it will let your car know
    how you feel.
  • To prevent skidding, place flower-shaped anti-skid stick-ons everywhere
    you will be driving.
  • Good, responsive brakes are crucial. Be sure to clear out the heap
    of Egg McMuffin wrappers from under your brake pedal so you can push it
    all the way down to the floor.
  • Carry a blanket and a jug of water with you in case you ever need
    to have sex at a wayside.
  • When changing your brake fluid, remember to dispose of any excess
    fluid properly. It might be inconvenient, but there's no excuse for not
    drinking it all.
  • Your car's tires should be rotated regularly, or the car will not
    go anywhere.
  • Be careful of radiator-fan blades, which are extremely sharp and spin
    at 5,000 rpm. Put your fingers in slowly and carefully, and pull your hand
    out at the first sign of blue, or "arterial," blood.
  • When at the gas station, remember not to operate a cell phone near
    the pumps. The full-service attendant might experience a fit of class-consciousness
    and beat you to death with it.
  • Everyone knows women know nothing about cars. Get a man to help you.

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