Caring For Your Car

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Vol 35 Issue 33

T.A. Spotted At Bar

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Teaching assistant Drew Phelan was witnessed talking and laughing at an area bar Monday.

Hamburglar Urges Senate Subcommittee To 'Robble Robble Robble'

WASHINGTON, DC—Denouncing a prison system he described as "robble," hamburger advocate and convicted felon Hamburglar addressed the Senate Subcommittee on Penal Reform Monday, demanding more humane conditions for the nation's inmates. "Robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble," an emotional Hamburglar told the 12-member committee. "Robble robble robble robble robble. Robble robble robble robble robble robble: Robble robble." Reaction to the speech was mixed. "Certainly there is room for improvement in our penal system," U.S. Sen. Bob Smith (R-NH) said. "But I would hardly call the current situation 'robble.'"

Tourist Realizes It's All Just A Lie Set In Place For Him

SAGEBRUSH, TX—An excursion to the Sagebrush Wild West Ghost Town ended in disillusionment Saturday, when, over the course of two hours, Lodi, NJ, resident Vic Coyne came to see the 'genuine 1873 frontier village' for the play-acting fantasy artifice it always was. "I was first taken aback by the blacksmith's shop with the concrete frame," Coyne said. "But I figured it could be a reconstruction from old photographs in cooperation with a local historical society." The final blow, Coyne said, was "the 'old-time' saloon, in which the bartender's nametag read 'Smilin' Joe' and a menu item read 'Old-Fashioned Sarsaparilla,' with 'Hires Root Beer' in parentheses."

Unnamed New Gas Station Struggling To Find 'Stop 'N Go' Variant

CHARLESTON, WV—The grand opening of a Charleston-area gas station was put on hold Monday as its owner struggled to find an available "Stop 'N Go" variant for its name. "Already taken are 'Gas 'N Go,' 'Stop 'N Fuel,' 'Pump 'N Pay,' 'Gas 'N Save,' 'Pay 'N Go,' 'Park 'N Pump,' 'Fuel 'N Drive,' 'Stop 'N Gas,' 'Get 'N Go,' 'Fuel 'N Pay,' 'Buy 'N Leave,' 'Fill 'N Flee,' 'Tank 'N Peel,' and 'Pay 'N G'way,'" said owner Marv Stoudt, who noted that he has even exhausted such British variants as "Petrol 'N Depart." "We are trying to find a yet-unused permutation of two words separated by the fanciful abbreviation 'N that conveys some combination of gas, low price, stopping and going," Stoudt said.

Report: Adjectives 'Tony,' 'Snarky' Used Only By Media

BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the McLuhan Institute For Media Studies, the adjectives "tony" and "snarky" are used exclusively by the media and have not occurred in person-to-person conversation in 36 years. "It is our finding that the most recent occurrence of 'tony' in a non-media context was during a conversation between two socialites at a 1963 New Year's Eve party at New York's Ritz-Carlton Hotel," the report read. "As for 'snarky,' to the best of our knowledge, the word has never been used by a non-media source." The adjectives join "glitterati," "gal pal" and "posh digs" in the pantheon of words and terms existing exclusively in the media.

Two Dead In 'Kind Of Brutal' Slaying

NEW ORLEANS—A convenience-store clerk and customer were shot to death Monday in an armed robbery described by witnesses as "kind of brutal." "I don't know, you see lots worse stuff in the movies," said Ed Rozema, who was waiting in line to buy cigarettes at the time of the sort-of-chilling double homicide. "I mean, yes, it was unpleasant, but it wasn't the most gruesome murder in the world." Police at the scene agreed, saying they have seen far more horrific crimes. "The gunshots were clean and to the chest, so it's not like there was blood and brains all over the floor," said Sgt. Bill Culver of New Orleans' 33rd Precinct. "A murderer is going to have to work a lot harder to shock us."

TV Targets Teens

Encouraged by the success of such WB programs as Dawson's Creek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, other networks are rolling out their own teen-oriented shows this season. What tactics are programmers using to attract this coverted demographic?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Personal Finance

Caring For Your Car

Regular maintenance will make your automobile safer to dive and extend the life of your vehicle, saving you money in the long run. Here are some tips to help keep your car in tip-top shape:

  • Oil is a non-renewable resource that's bad for the environment when wasted. Drive your car until it is completely out before adding more.
  • Always drive with all four wheels.
  • Bungee-cord your front bumper to your neighbor's rear bumper to save
    on gas and engine wear. Keep insisting it's a coincidence that you're going
    the same place. If he or she asks where you are going next, say you haven't
    decided yet.
  • Use a high-pressure hose to periodically spray slippery, dangerous
    vomit off floormats.
  • Find a mechanic who takes the time to change your car's velocity-extension
    belt and Jupiter rings, which many mechanics often overlook.
  • To extend the life of your car battery, keep it in the refrigerator
    when not in use.
  • In times of engine trouble, putting your fist through the dashboard
    probably won't fix your car's malfunction, but it will let your car know
    how you feel.
  • To prevent skidding, place flower-shaped anti-skid stick-ons everywhere
    you will be driving.
  • Good, responsive brakes are crucial. Be sure to clear out the heap
    of Egg McMuffin wrappers from under your brake pedal so you can push it
    all the way down to the floor.
  • Carry a blanket and a jug of water with you in case you ever need
    to have sex at a wayside.
  • When changing your brake fluid, remember to dispose of any excess
    fluid properly. It might be inconvenient, but there's no excuse for not
    drinking it all.
  • Your car's tires should be rotated regularly, or the car will not
    go anywhere.
  • Be careful of radiator-fan blades, which are extremely sharp and spin
    at 5,000 rpm. Put your fingers in slowly and carefully, and pull your hand
    out at the first sign of blue, or "arterial," blood.
  • When at the gas station, remember not to operate a cell phone near
    the pumps. The full-service attendant might experience a fit of class-consciousness
    and beat you to death with it.
  • Everyone knows women know nothing about cars. Get a man to help you.
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