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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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Caring For Your Car

Regular maintenance will make your automobile safer to dive and extend the life of your vehicle, saving you money in the long run. Here are some tips to help keep your car in tip-top shape:

  • Oil is a non-renewable resource that's bad for the environment when wasted. Drive your car until it is completely out before adding more.
  • Always drive with all four wheels.
  • Bungee-cord your front bumper to your neighbor's rear bumper to save
    on gas and engine wear. Keep insisting it's a coincidence that you're going
    the same place. If he or she asks where you are going next, say you haven't
    decided yet.
  • Use a high-pressure hose to periodically spray slippery, dangerous
    vomit off floormats.
  • Find a mechanic who takes the time to change your car's velocity-extension
    belt and Jupiter rings, which many mechanics often overlook.
  • To extend the life of your car battery, keep it in the refrigerator
    when not in use.
  • In times of engine trouble, putting your fist through the dashboard
    probably won't fix your car's malfunction, but it will let your car know
    how you feel.
  • To prevent skidding, place flower-shaped anti-skid stick-ons everywhere
    you will be driving.
  • Good, responsive brakes are crucial. Be sure to clear out the heap
    of Egg McMuffin wrappers from under your brake pedal so you can push it
    all the way down to the floor.
  • Carry a blanket and a jug of water with you in case you ever need
    to have sex at a wayside.
  • When changing your brake fluid, remember to dispose of any excess
    fluid properly. It might be inconvenient, but there's no excuse for not
    drinking it all.
  • Your car's tires should be rotated regularly, or the car will not
    go anywhere.
  • Be careful of radiator-fan blades, which are extremely sharp and spin
    at 5,000 rpm. Put your fingers in slowly and carefully, and pull your hand
    out at the first sign of blue, or "arterial," blood.
  • When at the gas station, remember not to operate a cell phone near
    the pumps. The full-service attendant might experience a fit of class-consciousness
    and beat you to death with it.
  • Everyone knows women know nothing about cars. Get a man to help you.

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