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Caring For Your Car

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Caring For Your Car

Regular maintenance will make your automobile safer to dive and extend the life of your vehicle, saving you money in the long run. Here are some tips to help keep your car in tip-top shape:

  • Oil is a non-renewable resource that's bad for the environment when wasted. Drive your car until it is completely out before adding more.
  • Always drive with all four wheels.
  • Bungee-cord your front bumper to your neighbor's rear bumper to save
    on gas and engine wear. Keep insisting it's a coincidence that you're going
    the same place. If he or she asks where you are going next, say you haven't
    decided yet.
  • Use a high-pressure hose to periodically spray slippery, dangerous
    vomit off floormats.
  • Find a mechanic who takes the time to change your car's velocity-extension
    belt and Jupiter rings, which many mechanics often overlook.
  • To extend the life of your car battery, keep it in the refrigerator
    when not in use.
  • In times of engine trouble, putting your fist through the dashboard
    probably won't fix your car's malfunction, but it will let your car know
    how you feel.
  • To prevent skidding, place flower-shaped anti-skid stick-ons everywhere
    you will be driving.
  • Good, responsive brakes are crucial. Be sure to clear out the heap
    of Egg McMuffin wrappers from under your brake pedal so you can push it
    all the way down to the floor.
  • Carry a blanket and a jug of water with you in case you ever need
    to have sex at a wayside.
  • When changing your brake fluid, remember to dispose of any excess
    fluid properly. It might be inconvenient, but there's no excuse for not
    drinking it all.
  • Your car's tires should be rotated regularly, or the car will not
    go anywhere.
  • Be careful of radiator-fan blades, which are extremely sharp and spin
    at 5,000 rpm. Put your fingers in slowly and carefully, and pull your hand
    out at the first sign of blue, or "arterial," blood.
  • When at the gas station, remember not to operate a cell phone near
    the pumps. The full-service attendant might experience a fit of class-consciousness
    and beat you to death with it.
  • Everyone knows women know nothing about cars. Get a man to help you.

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