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Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Caring For Your Car

Regular maintenance will make your automobile safer to dive and extend the life of your vehicle, saving you money in the long run. Here are some tips to help keep your car in tip-top shape:

  • Oil is a non-renewable resource that's bad for the environment when wasted. Drive your car until it is completely out before adding more.
  • Always drive with all four wheels.
  • Bungee-cord your front bumper to your neighbor's rear bumper to save
    on gas and engine wear. Keep insisting it's a coincidence that you're going
    the same place. If he or she asks where you are going next, say you haven't
    decided yet.
  • Use a high-pressure hose to periodically spray slippery, dangerous
    vomit off floormats.
  • Find a mechanic who takes the time to change your car's velocity-extension
    belt and Jupiter rings, which many mechanics often overlook.
  • To extend the life of your car battery, keep it in the refrigerator
    when not in use.
  • In times of engine trouble, putting your fist through the dashboard
    probably won't fix your car's malfunction, but it will let your car know
    how you feel.
  • To prevent skidding, place flower-shaped anti-skid stick-ons everywhere
    you will be driving.
  • Good, responsive brakes are crucial. Be sure to clear out the heap
    of Egg McMuffin wrappers from under your brake pedal so you can push it
    all the way down to the floor.
  • Carry a blanket and a jug of water with you in case you ever need
    to have sex at a wayside.
  • When changing your brake fluid, remember to dispose of any excess
    fluid properly. It might be inconvenient, but there's no excuse for not
    drinking it all.
  • Your car's tires should be rotated regularly, or the car will not
    go anywhere.
  • Be careful of radiator-fan blades, which are extremely sharp and spin
    at 5,000 rpm. Put your fingers in slowly and carefully, and pull your hand
    out at the first sign of blue, or "arterial," blood.
  • When at the gas station, remember not to operate a cell phone near
    the pumps. The full-service attendant might experience a fit of class-consciousness
    and beat you to death with it.
  • Everyone knows women know nothing about cars. Get a man to help you.

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