WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.
HAMPTON, GA—Shortly after engine failure forced him to take a 'Did Not Finish' at the Kobalt Tools 500 Sunday, disappointed but athletic NASCAR driver Carl Edwards climbed onto his Roush Racing No. 99 Office Depot Ford Fusion car and performed a slow, melancholy backflip off the hood. "I don't know what happened—everything was going smoothly until smoke started pouring out the back," Edwards said while sullenly rotating on his horizontal axis above the Atlanta Motor Speedway at approximately 15 seconds per revolution. "Wheeeeeeeeeee." Edwards proceeded to congratulate race winner Kyle Busch, sign autographs for fans, and conduct a 30-minute press conference while flipping somberly through the air.