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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Carl Edwards Does Mournful 'Did Not Finish' Backflip

HAMPTON, GA—Shortly after engine failure forced him to take a 'Did Not Finish' at the Kobalt Tools 500 Sunday, disappointed but athletic NASCAR driver Carl Edwards climbed onto his Roush Racing No. 99 Office Depot Ford Fusion car and performed a slow, melancholy backflip off the hood. "I don't know what happened—everything was going smoothly until smoke started pouring out the back," Edwards said while sullenly rotating on his horizontal axis above the Atlanta Motor Speedway at approximately 15 seconds per revolution. "Wheeeeeeeeeee." Edwards proceeded to congratulate race winner Kyle Busch, sign autographs for fans, and conduct a 30-minute press conference while flipping somberly through the air.

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