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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.
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Carl Lewis, Michael Johnson Argue Over Who Has To Wear Back End Of Curlin Costume For Belmont Stakes

BALTIMORE—During the cool-down lap that followed "Curlin's" victory celebration immediately after the supposed three-year-old won the Belmont Stakes, loud arguing could be heard coming from inside the horse costume as veteran sprinters Carl Lewis and Michael Johnson discussed which man would pose as the rear of the 5-to-3 favorite in the upcoming Belmont stakes. "Man, I was the damn butt-end this time. It's no picnic running behind your washed-up ass, you know? Next time I get to be out front and you get to be whupped on the shoulders," said a voice presumed to be that of world-record holder Johnson. "Hell no, man, no way I'm pushing no slow little dude all the way around Belmont, you hear me? We won with me in front and we're winning with me in front next month, so you best just get used to it back there," said a voice sounding much like that of Olympic legend Lewis. Although it seems unlikely jockey Robby Alborado could have avoided hearing the argument occurring within his "colt," witnesses say Alborado merely stared unblinkingly ahead through the exchange, squirming slightly.

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