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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Carl Lewis, Michael Johnson Argue Over Who Has To Wear Back End Of Curlin Costume For Belmont Stakes

BALTIMORE—During the cool-down lap that followed "Curlin's" victory celebration immediately after the supposed three-year-old won the Belmont Stakes, loud arguing could be heard coming from inside the horse costume as veteran sprinters Carl Lewis and Michael Johnson discussed which man would pose as the rear of the 5-to-3 favorite in the upcoming Belmont stakes. "Man, I was the damn butt-end this time. It's no picnic running behind your washed-up ass, you know? Next time I get to be out front and you get to be whupped on the shoulders," said a voice presumed to be that of world-record holder Johnson. "Hell no, man, no way I'm pushing no slow little dude all the way around Belmont, you hear me? We won with me in front and we're winning with me in front next month, so you best just get used to it back there," said a voice sounding much like that of Olympic legend Lewis. Although it seems unlikely jockey Robby Alborado could have avoided hearing the argument occurring within his "colt," witnesses say Alborado merely stared unblinkingly ahead through the exchange, squirming slightly.

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