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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Carl Lewis, Michael Johnson Argue Over Who Has To Wear Back End Of Curlin Costume For Belmont Stakes

BALTIMORE—During the cool-down lap that followed "Curlin's" victory celebration immediately after the supposed three-year-old won the Belmont Stakes, loud arguing could be heard coming from inside the horse costume as veteran sprinters Carl Lewis and Michael Johnson discussed which man would pose as the rear of the 5-to-3 favorite in the upcoming Belmont stakes. "Man, I was the damn butt-end this time. It's no picnic running behind your washed-up ass, you know? Next time I get to be out front and you get to be whupped on the shoulders," said a voice presumed to be that of world-record holder Johnson. "Hell no, man, no way I'm pushing no slow little dude all the way around Belmont, you hear me? We won with me in front and we're winning with me in front next month, so you best just get used to it back there," said a voice sounding much like that of Olympic legend Lewis. Although it seems unlikely jockey Robby Alborado could have avoided hearing the argument occurring within his "colt," witnesses say Alborado merely stared unblinkingly ahead through the exchange, squirming slightly.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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