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Carlos Beltran Has Impressive Day Of Not Falling Apart And Dying

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Carlos Beltran Has Impressive Day Of Not Falling Apart And Dying

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran, whose past several seasons have been hampered by nagging injuries, had a successful outing Monday, managing to get through a spring training workout without crumbling into a pile of dust and dying. "It was one of his best days in years, because he was still breathing and alive by the end," Mets manager Terry Collins said during a press conference, adding that he was amazed with Beltran's ability to pump blood from his heart to other parts of his body for a whole session of batting practice. "If he's able to take this into the regular season and maybe live for 100 games, that's a big win for this organization." At press time, Mets trainers had confirmed that Beltran had indeed just died.

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