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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
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Carlos Santana Surprises Wife With Coupon For Free 45-Minute Guitar Solo

LAS VEGAS—In a spontaneous romantic gesture by the 10-time Grammy Award winner, guitarist Carlos Santana presented his wife, Cindy Blackman, with a handmade coupon redeemable for a complimentary 45-minute guitar solo Wednesday, sources confirmed. “There’s no expiration date—this one’s good anytime, babe,” Santana said of the signed certificate bordered with hand-drawn hearts and musical notes, which is said to grant the bearer “One (1) solo, either electric or acoustic, of no less than 45 minutes.” “No matter what time of day, no matter what I’m doing, just hand over the coupon and I’ll give you a solo you won’t forget.” Sources reported that Blackman then thanked her husband for the gift before adding it to the nightstand drawer where she keeps all the previous Santana-solo coupons she has received.

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