adBlockCheck

Carlos Santana Surprises Wife With Coupon For Free 45-Minute Guitar Solo

Top Headlines

Surprises

Plenti

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Rival Dojo In For Big Surprise At Regionals

ASHBURN, VA—Local 15-year-old Clint Hrabik, a second kyū brown belt at Ashburn Enshin Karate, issued a statement Wednesday indicating that rival dojo Falls Church Enshin Karate was in for a big surprise at regionals this year.

Woman Sets Google Alert For Kevin Costner

'It'll Just Be Easier This Way'

RUTLAND, VT—Saying that the service is easy to set up and will make her life a lot less complicated, area woman Julie Clifford told reporters today that instead of constantly searching for the latest online news about Kevin Costner, she plans to jus...

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

Pint-Sized Muscleman Can Lift Entire Frozen Turkey Over Head

WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this time lifting an entire frozen turkey clear over his head and ho...

Wow Factor Added To Corporate Presentation

CHARLOTTE, NC—Sources confirmed that the wow factor—an intangible set of viscerally pleasing features that instill onlookers with a feeling of exhilaration and intense interest—was successfully added to this Thursday’s upcoming PowerPoint presentation.

Area Man Looking For Whatever The Hell Is Beeping

DELMAR, NY—Craig Mitich, 27, has spent 20 minutes searching his apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes. "Okay, it's not my cell phone... it's not my microwave... or my car-alarm remote," said Mitich, standing motionless with an ear cocked toward his entertainment center. "God, what is it? Can a power strip beep?" At press time, Mitich was on his hands and knees, unplugging his appliances one by one.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Surprises

Plenti

Carlos Santana Surprises Wife With Coupon For Free 45-Minute Guitar Solo

LAS VEGAS—In a spontaneous romantic gesture by the 10-time Grammy Award winner, guitarist Carlos Santana presented his wife, Cindy Blackman, with a handmade coupon redeemable for a complimentary 45-minute guitar solo Wednesday, sources confirmed. “There’s no expiration date—this one’s good anytime, babe,” Santana said of the signed certificate bordered with hand-drawn hearts and musical notes, which is said to grant the bearer “One (1) solo, either electric or acoustic, of no less than 45 minutes.” “No matter what time of day, no matter what I’m doing, just hand over the coupon and I’ll give you a solo you won’t forget.” Sources reported that Blackman then thanked her husband for the gift before adding it to the nightstand drawer where she keeps all the previous Santana-solo coupons she has received.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close