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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Carlos Zambrano's Refusal To Leave Game Enters 5th Hour

PITTSBURGH—At press time, Cubs manager Lou Piniella's attempt to remove starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano from tonight's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates had entered its fifth hour, with Zambrano refusing to be replaced by left-handed relief pitcher James Russell. Piniella reportedly emerged from the dugout at approximately 8:45 p.m. to make the pitching change, a move that prompted Zambrano to wave the reliever back to the bull pen. Zambrano then refused to give Piniella the game ball, and in the past two hours the All-Star pitcher has, with the manager standing on the mound directly next to him, attempted to throw several pitches to current batter Lastings Milledge. At 1 a.m., Zambrano was overheard saying, "I'll stand out here until dawn if I have to." Home plate umpire Laz Diaz's efforts to get the pitcher and manager to wrap it up have thus far been unsuccessful, though Diaz is now considering paying a second visit to the mound. The Pirates currently lead the Cubs 14-2.

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