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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Carlos Zambrano's Refusal To Leave Game Enters 5th Hour

PITTSBURGH—At press time, Cubs manager Lou Piniella's attempt to remove starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano from tonight's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates had entered its fifth hour, with Zambrano refusing to be replaced by left-handed relief pitcher James Russell. Piniella reportedly emerged from the dugout at approximately 8:45 p.m. to make the pitching change, a move that prompted Zambrano to wave the reliever back to the bull pen. Zambrano then refused to give Piniella the game ball, and in the past two hours the All-Star pitcher has, with the manager standing on the mound directly next to him, attempted to throw several pitches to current batter Lastings Milledge. At 1 a.m., Zambrano was overheard saying, "I'll stand out here until dawn if I have to." Home plate umpire Laz Diaz's efforts to get the pitcher and manager to wrap it up have thus far been unsuccessful, though Diaz is now considering paying a second visit to the mound. The Pirates currently lead the Cubs 14-2.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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