Carmelo Anthony Called For Traveling Back In Time

Top Headlines

Sports

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.

Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Carmelo Anthony Called For Traveling Back In Time

HOUSTON—Nugget's forward Carmelo Anthony made no secret of his displeasure with game officials Monday night after being whistled for a rarely called traveling-through-time foul late in the fourth quarter of Denver's 125-123 loss to the Rockets.

"Everybody knows they only call time-traveling when they want to," said Anthony, who could clearly be seen taking two steps back in time to warn himself about an impending pick by Rockets forward Shane Battier. "You see it called, what? Every other game? Once a week? But everybody knows that guys are doing it all the time out there."

The NBA traveling-through-time call is a longtime bone of contention for fans and players alike, most of whom claim that, although the rule is on the books, officials are reluctant to slow down the flow of the game by calling it too often.

"All I'm asking is that they be consistent," Anthony said. "You're gonna call me in the fourth quarter for a piddly little case of going back to warn myself about a pick, then call me in the first quarter for going back to take the same jumper three times until I hit it. Me or anybody."

While the NBA did not respond directly to Anthony's allegations, vice president of referee operations Joe Borgia did tell reporters that the traveling-through-time rule "has been, and will continue to be, enforced in order to preserve both game integrity and continuity and to preserve the fundamental fabric of the universe." Borgia noted that the NBA rulebook clearly states that a player may not progress the ball by sliding into parallel dimensions, and said consideration must be made for human error on the part of the officials making the call, as well as for the reality-altering nature of the offense itself.

The NBA claims it has always taken a hard stance on flagrant and repeat violators of the traveling-though-time rule, saying it wants to avoid a total breakdown of basketball causality as we know it. Borgia said he has evidence suggesting there are several parallel-universe NBAs, including one in which the Nuggets won 16 straight championships before moving to Luna City, a timeline in which Anthony's name figures heavily. In other alternate worlds, where time-traveling is never called, the Utah Jazz of the 1990s were led by famous married couple Karl Malone and John Stockton, who won five championships together; a great Magic Johnson/Larry Bird partnership blossomed in Atlanta; and the WNBA challenges the men's league for sports dominance.

"Already we have some questions we'd like answered in our own league, such as why the Celtics are struggling more than you'd think, why Kevin Durant is almost unstoppable all of a sudden, and why Shaquille O'Neal has suddenly turned up in Mathew Brady's Civil War photographs," Borgia said. "And as always, our biggest worry is potential gambling."

Anthony, for his part, said he would accept the NBA's ruling, but maintained that the league has a different set of space-time rules for their favorites, a common belief among pro players. It is reportedly an article of faith in today's NBA that LeBron James regularly travels through time during games, including every time he uses his trademark Evolution Crossover move, but James has not been the subject of a traveling-through-time call since January. Perhaps the most infamous time-traveling perpetrator is Michael Jordan, acknowledged as the greatest player of all time; Jordan eventually became infamous for executing a move of almost superhuman skill and grace at one moment, and in the next, throwing a no-look pass to a future Jordan who would take four steps after exiting a wormhole and dunk the ball.

"No, of course Jordan never got called. But me? I'm not a golden boy, so they decide to whistle me for a rinky-dink little time-jumper in a game we lose to Houston by two points," Anthony said. "Come on! It's not like they're going to catch the Blazers for eighth place anyway unless they rewind the clock and stop Yao from breaking his foot."

ESPN basketball analyst Bruce Bowen, discussing Anthony's remarks on Wednesday night's SportsCenter, was sympathetic to player frustrations, but said the answer was to make the call more often, not less. While Bowen acknowledged that referees seem to let the call slide more often than not, he was quick to point out that Anthony clearly took an extra step into the glowing energy portal just minutes after he stepped out of it to speak to himself. In addition, Bowen said these actions were messing with the integrity of both the game and the fourth dimension, and will ultimately have unpredictable far-reaching implications on more than just player morale.

"For instance, did anyone who watched the Rockets-Nuggets game Monday night notice that mustache on Shane Battier as he threw that pick? Clearly this is an alternate Shane Battier from a parallel time continuum, possibly an evil one, brought into our world by the time-traveling abuses of our NBA players. The league has to crack down on this behavior before it's too late."