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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Carmelo Anthony Confident He Can Still Help Contender Flame Out In First Round

NEW YORK—Insisting that he’s capable of reaching the same heights as in the past, small forward Carmelo Anthony told reporters Wednesday that he is confident he can still help a contender flame out in the first round. “I may not be in my prime anymore, but I know I still have what it takes to help a team secure a high playoff seed and then get unexpectedly trounced in the first round,” said Anthony, who claimed he has not lost the skills to make an All-Star game, get fans’ hopes up in the regular season, and then implode against an inferior opponent before even reaching the conference championship. “Even if I’m not the number one option, I can help drag down a promising player by dominating the ball with constant one-on-one isolations and be a defensive liability that makes it impossible to beat a true championship contender in the playoffs. Everyone knows I still have plenty of postseason disappointment left in the tank.” Anthony also promised to bring invaluable veteran leadership to any team’s locker room arguments.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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