adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Carmelo Anthony Confident He Can Still Help Contender Flame Out In First Round

NEW YORK—Insisting that he’s capable of reaching the same heights as in the past, small forward Carmelo Anthony told reporters Wednesday that he is confident he can still help a contender flame out in the first round. “I may not be in my prime anymore, but I know I still have what it takes to help a team secure a high playoff seed and then get unexpectedly trounced in the first round,” said Anthony, who claimed he has not lost the skills to make an All-Star game, get fans’ hopes up in the regular season, and then implode against an inferior opponent before even reaching the conference championship. “Even if I’m not the number one option, I can help drag down a promising player by dominating the ball with constant one-on-one isolations and be a defensive liability that makes it impossible to beat a true championship contender in the playoffs. Everyone knows I still have plenty of postseason disappointment left in the tank.” Anthony also promised to bring invaluable veteran leadership to any team’s locker room arguments.

More from this section

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close