adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Carmelo Anthony Considers Himself The Nuggets' Dipping Sauce

DENVER—Small forward Carmelo Anthony admitted to his teammates Tuesday that he regards himself as the tasty honey mustard sauce into which the battered and deep-fried Nuggets basketball team is dipped. "I do my best to be a zesty flavoring explosion all over the court," Anthony said, adding that he was so delicious that you always wanted a little more. "This team might be hot and crispy, but they'd be a little bland without my ability to be sweet and tangy all at once." Anthony added that guard Allen Iverson was the breading that held the team together, and the rest of his teammates were the lean meat that was minced, processed, and packed into the shape of the Nuggets.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close