adBlockCheck

Local

Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

'Carpe Diem,' Says Man Who Spent Previous Day Masturbating In Darkened Room

Schiller, who suggests making the most of each day, brings himself to orgasm in the shadowy recesses of his den.
Schiller, who suggests making the most of each day, brings himself to orgasm in the shadowy recesses of his den.

OLYMPIA, WA—Less than 12 hours after devoting his entire Saturday to masturbating in a dimly lit room, local resident Ian Schiller, 25, advised a friend with whom he was eating brunch to "seize the day."

"Carpe diem, that's my motto," Schiller said in response to his companion's quandary over whether he should ask out a woman from his office, despite Schiller's decision just one day earlier to bring himself to orgasm five times rather than enrich his own life in any way. "Why shut yourself off from the world, man? You only live once."

Schiller then paused briefly to put on sunglasses, his eyes not yet fully readjusted to normal daytime light levels.

Schiller

Though he refrained from both showering and changing his underwear and socks during his near-marathon self-pleasuring, Schiller went on to extol the importance of living life to its fullest and never squandering a minute of one's precious time on this planet.

"You gotta make your move, man!" said Schiller, apparently not recalling the many hours he spent avoiding not only women, but all human contact and natural sunlight in favor of manually stimulating himself and intermittently dozing off in his computer chair. "What, do you think she's just going to walk right up to you and ask you out? Go for it. There's nothing worse than regret."

Despite having ignored three phone messages from friends the previous day—urging Schiller to go to the beach, attend an outdoor concert, and go for a hike in nearby Olympic National Park, respectively—so that he could open several Internet browser tabs to various pornographic video clips and allow them to load simultaneously to prevent interruption while he masturbated, Schiller stressed the importance of experiencing everything life has to offer.

"Read a book, write a letter, go to a museum," Schiller said through a yawn, still visibly fatigued from his onanistic excess. "Trust me, you have to take in as many of life's finer things as you can before your time's up. What's the point in living if you don't nourish your mind and soul?"

"You have to strive to improve yourself every day," Schiller added, his stained, rumpled T-shirt a testament to his failure to complete even the simple task of doing laundry, a chore that would have taken precious time away from carefully spreading out a towel on a chair to catch the sweat from his nude exertions, tilting his laptop screen to just the right angle on his desk, and delicately folding a three-foot length of toilet paper over his erect penis in lieu of two tissues, since his Kleenex supply had been exhausted during an earlier masturbation session.

Schiller then took pause from lecturing his brunch partner on the benefits of getting outside your comfort zone in order to hastily consume a ham and cheese omelet, his body depleted of proteins and nutrients from the previous day, when he was forced to eat two small meals of peanut butter and stale crackers in order to avoid running into his roommate in the kitchen.

"Variety is the spice of life," he added.

According to Schiller, much of the advice he offered is common sense, and can be tied to a greater life philosophy in which the day-to-day tribulations of human existence are tempered by sampling life's myriad pleasures and fulfilling one's potential as a well-rounded person.

"It's important to find an element of wonder in everything you do," said Schiller, once more failing to mention the many hours of repetitive and joyless tugging at his genitals he very recently engaged in while wrapped in a filthy robe, his face illuminated only by the flat, cold light of a computer monitor. "We're not on this earth for very long, so you have to make the most of it."

"Life's too short to spend sitting around with your dick in your hand," Schiller added.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close