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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Cartoon Peppers On Menu A Foreboding Warning To All Who Would Dare Order Spicy Entrees

CORAL SPRINGS, FL—Hovering forbiddingly to the right of several entrees, a handful of cartoon red chili peppers served as dark and chilling omens to all who would dare order spicy food items off the menu at Mexican restaurant Casa Azteca, sources confirmed Wednesday. According to reports, a single grim pepper reportedly loomed near the Chiles Relleno, signifying danger to any customer foolhardy enough to select the ominously piquant combination of battered poblanos and cheese. Sources further indicated that patrons would be wise to not even look upon the accursed Tilapia a la Diabla, which, with its baleful row of three clip-art portents, reportedly promised unspeakable woe and ruination even to those who had withstood other spicy entrees. At press time, most customers had sensibly heeded the sinister chili auguries and selected house specials marked with a cheery and comforting chef’s hat.

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