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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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The Case For And Against Prayer In Public Schools

As it continues to be a hot-button issue for lawmakers, here are the cases for and against allowing prayer in public schools:

FOR

  • Students’ vocabulary expanded to include “tresspasses,” “apostolic,” “prodigal,” “fiery wrath”
  • Genuflecting satisfies daily physical activity requirement
  • Hypocritical for schools to ban prayer while promoting secular magic such as chemistry and earth science
  • Might stave off God’s righteous annihilation of America a little longer
  • Gives teachers one goddamn minute of peace and quiet

AGAINST

  • Mandated prayer creates hostile environment for the hellbound
  • Time spent mindlessly regurgitating invocations could be spent mindlessly regurgitating standardized test material
  • Irresponsible to trust untrained children with the immense, fearsome power of prayer
  • Underfunded schools lack resources to provide every student with own rattlesnake to handle
  • Would require some real constitutional gymnastics to exclude non-Christian prayers




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