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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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The Case For And Against Prayer In Public Schools

As it continues to be a hot-button issue for lawmakers, here are the cases for and against allowing prayer in public schools:

FOR

  • Students’ vocabulary expanded to include “tresspasses,” “apostolic,” “prodigal,” “fiery wrath”
  • Genuflecting satisfies daily physical activity requirement
  • Hypocritical for schools to ban prayer while promoting secular magic such as chemistry and earth science
  • Might stave off God’s righteous annihilation of America a little longer
  • Gives teachers one goddamn minute of peace and quiet

AGAINST

  • Mandated prayer creates hostile environment for the hellbound
  • Time spent mindlessly regurgitating invocations could be spent mindlessly regurgitating standardized test material
  • Irresponsible to trust untrained children with the immense, fearsome power of prayer
  • Underfunded schools lack resources to provide every student with own rattlesnake to handle
  • Would require some real constitutional gymnastics to exclude non-Christian prayers




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