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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Cash-Strapped Indy 500 To Charge Dollar-A-Lap Toll

INDIANAPOLIS—Financially challenged race organizers announced Wednesday that participants in the 2009 Indianapolis 500-Mile Race will be required to pay a $1 toll each time they cross the fabled Brickyard's start-finish line. "We have begun construction of tollbooths across the track that will allow drivers to stop and pay their tolls four-wide," Indianapolis Motor Speedway owner Tony Hulman George said. "The outside booths off the racing line will be the dollar booths, accepting cash only, and the ones down low where the track is faster will be an extra quarter, which will add an exciting element of strategy to the race as well as generating cash we could really use at this point." Teams will also be given the option of paying $150 for a no-stop "Indy SpeedPass," which will allow them to go through the booth situated on the racing line at speeds of up to 35 mph.

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