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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Cash-Strapped Indy 500 To Charge Dollar-A-Lap Toll

INDIANAPOLIS—Financially challenged race organizers announced Wednesday that participants in the 2009 Indianapolis 500-Mile Race will be required to pay a $1 toll each time they cross the fabled Brickyard's start-finish line. "We have begun construction of tollbooths across the track that will allow drivers to stop and pay their tolls four-wide," Indianapolis Motor Speedway owner Tony Hulman George said. "The outside booths off the racing line will be the dollar booths, accepting cash only, and the ones down low where the track is faster will be an extra quarter, which will add an exciting element of strategy to the race as well as generating cash we could really use at this point." Teams will also be given the option of paying $150 for a no-stop "Indy SpeedPass," which will allow them to go through the booth situated on the racing line at speeds of up to 35 mph.

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