adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cash-Strapped Oklahoma To Conduct Executions By Hammering Squad

OKLAHOMA CITY—Facing a budget shortfall, the State of Oklahoma announced Thursday it would cease to conduct capital punishment by lethal injection and would instead carry out executions by hammering squad. "This will help us cut spending while continuing to ensure justice is served for the most heinous criminals," said Department of Corrections director Justin Jones, who explained that administering the death penalty with the same kind of hammer you might find in a kitchen drawer would eliminate $150,000 from the state's deficit. "It doesn't require any special equipment, since most of our executioners already own hammers. And though it takes considerably longer than more traditional methods, you save quite a bit when you don't have to pay for an anesthesiologist." Jones added that in a pinch, the hammering squad could also use the butt end of a screwdriver or a cast-iron skillet.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close