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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Cash-Strapped Oscars To Give Out Emmys

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday that, due to disappointing ad sales for the costly televised event, all winners at the 81st annual Oscars will receive semi-personalized Emmy statuettes. "We hope you'll still join us for the star-studded night, when we'll honor the brightest talents of the silver screen with a few refurbished Guest Actress in a Drama Series awards Sally Fields didn't collect," said Academy president Sid Ganis, who promised to save the least dented statuette for Best Picture. "Will Kate Winslet's spellbinding performance in The Reader win her television's most coveted prize? You have to tune in to find out." Ganis said he believes this and other cost-cutting measures must be taken promptly in order to prevent the Academy from defaulting on past Lifetime Achievement awards.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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