adBlockCheck

Cash-Strapped Oscars To Give Out Emmys

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Cash-Strapped Oscars To Give Out Emmys

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday that, due to disappointing ad sales for the costly televised event, all winners at the 81st annual Oscars will receive semi-personalized Emmy statuettes. "We hope you'll still join us for the star-studded night, when we'll honor the brightest talents of the silver screen with a few refurbished Guest Actress in a Drama Series awards Sally Fields didn't collect," said Academy president Sid Ganis, who promised to save the least dented statuette for Best Picture. "Will Kate Winslet's spellbinding performance in The Reader win her television's most coveted prize? You have to tune in to find out." Ganis said he believes this and other cost-cutting measures must be taken promptly in order to prevent the Academy from defaulting on past Lifetime Achievement awards.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close