Cashier Allows Line-Cutting To Go Unpunished

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Vol 36 Issue 17

Congress Votes To Intervene In Local Wedding

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Senate voted 64-30 Monday to obstruct next Sunday's marriage of Phoenix's Todd Wexler and Marisa Park. "It is clear to this legislative body that Mr. Wexler is a total jerk," said Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO) following Monday's vote. "Miss Park can do a lot better." Federal agents will be posted outside the wedding chapel with orders to step in if any vow-taking occurs.

Man Paid More Than Enough To Put Up With This Shit

NEW YORK–Porter Novelli public-relations executive Randy Schad, who works directly under megalomaniacal bastard Rich Frankel, is earning more than enough to put up with Frankel's unbelievable shit, the 25-year-old reported Monday. "Normally, I'm not the type of person who'd put up with the kind of shit I take daily from Mr. Frankel," Schad said, "but my six-figure salary and unbelievable benefits package more than make up for it." Schad said he'll probably only have to put up with Frankel's shit for another year or two, at which point he will receive a promotion and be able to dish out some shit of his own.

Civil Unrest In Sierra Leone Concerns NPR Listener

HANOVER, NH–A National Public Radio report on a rebel insurrection in the West African nation of Sierra Leone deeply concerned Hanover-area listener Jim Ellenson Monday. "Apparently, the Sankoh-led Revolutionary United Front rebels are rapidly advancing on Freetown," said Ellenson, listening to NPR while leafing through the latest issue of The Nation. "Hopefully, the U.N. peacekeepers will be able to limit the movement of the RUF in the interior near Masiaka." Ellenson said he plans to stay tuned to NPR for the latest on the crisis.

Diet Candy's Aftertaste Experienced 12 Years Later

PIKESVILLE, MD–The aftertaste of a sugar-free, strawberry-flavored hard candy eaten by Stephanie Wickes in 1988 was detected Monday by the 38-year-old Pikesville resident. "I was on my way to pick up the kids from school when, out of nowhere, I suddenly got this really nasty taste in my mouth," Wickes said. "For the longest time, I couldn't place it. But then I finally remembered: It was that gross diet candy that Annette Brinkworth, this woman I worked with about 12 years ago, offered me once." Wickes said she was pretty sure Brinkworth got the candy from her dentist.

The Friends Stand-Off

The six Friends starts are threatening to quit he show if each does not receive $1 million per episode. What else are they demanding?

Vieques And The U.S. Navy

On May 5, federal agents removed 216 protesters who had been occupying a Vieques Island bombing range used for target practice by the U.S. Navy. What do you think of the Navy's use of this tiny Puerto Rican island for bombing exercises?
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Cashier Allows Line-Cutting To Go Unpunished

CHANDLER, AZ–Cashier Wendy Kile, 20, allowed a blatant case of line-cutting to go unpunished Monday at the Billings Road Safeway. "I was waiting in line when this smart-aleck teen walked right in front of me," said shopper Ida Sims, 43. "I complained to the check-out girl, but she just said, 'I honestly don't care who I take next.' What kind of answer is that?" If Safeway authorities do not punish Kile for failing to preserve the integrity of her line, Sims said she will gladly take her business to the IGA on Brook Street.

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