Cashier Learning Valuable But Illegal Job Skills

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Cashier Learning Valuable But Illegal Job Skills

BUTTE, MT—Three weeks into his first job, part-time Big Sky Foods cashier Vance Freeman is picking up invaluable but criminal workplace skills, the 16-year-old reported Monday. "This is just a minimum-wage job, but by taking the initiative to skim the till, I'm preparing for my future," Freeman said, as he surreptitiously slipped three quarters into his pocket. "Someday, I'll be able to apply my knowledge to a lucrative career in white-collar crimes like embezzlement, insider trading, maybe even fraud." Freeman said he's looking forward to his break, when Greg the produce guy will show him how to prop open the service entrance so he can sneak food out to his car.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close