Casino Has Great Night

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 20

Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing

WASHINGTON, DC—National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice announced Tuesday that she is "extremely distressed" that her lunch is missing from...

Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers

GLENDALE, CA—The already overflowing coffers of Nestlé subsidiary Raisinets were further fattened Monday, when Atlanta resident Jonathan Graber, 11, purchased a bag of the candy at a local convenience store. "Ah, very good... that's another 75 cents for us," said Raisinets president William Koenig, as he observed the Graber purchase on closed-circuit television at the company's Glendale headquarters. "With every bag of our delicious chocolate-covered raisin treats that they buy, we only grow more powerful." Koenig then opened a bag of Raisinets and tossed a handful into the air, laughing maniacally.

Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art

NEW YORK—A magical New York art gallery has the power to turn dull, everyday items into brilliant works of art, sources reported Monday. "Seth Clayton's devastating Untitled No. 7 captures the despair of urban ennui in a way that's post-ironic yet somehow pre-pomo," said David E. Sherry, owner of the David E. Sherry Gallery, while admiring a rusty bucket and tattered boot lying on the gallery floor. "Its eloquence is truly heartbreaking."

I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer

Our country has witnessed its fair share of trials and tribulations lately. We have endured wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. We have lived under the near-constant threat of terrorist attack at home. Many young Americans have heard the call to serve and, stirred by love of country and a deep sense of patriotic duty, they have responded. Some have served in the Army, others in the Marines. As for myself, I have served Coors Light.

It's Not Easy Being The Life Of The Orgy

Do you know me? Well, if you've been to an orgy in the greater Cincinnati area in the past 17 years, you've probably seen me (or at least part of me). My name is Hank Wetzel, and I am the king of the Cincinnati group-sex scene. You may have heard a story or two—and believe me, there are hundreds—about my legendary carnal exploits. Yet as renowned as I am, and as much fun as I've had, few people realize that it's not easy being the life of the orgy.

The Bush Tax-Cut Plan

President Bush is preparing to sign a $350 billion tax-cut package. What are some of the plans specifics?

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

ORLANDO, FL—Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Internet

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Casino Has Great Night

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—A beaming Donald Brant, general manager of Bally's Atlantic City, reported that the casino had "an unbelievable night" Monday, cleaning up at the blackjack table, on the slot machines, and elsewhere.

A Bally's blackjack dealer shows off a tiny portion of the casino's winnings.

"Man, we were on fire all night," Brant said. "It seemed like every time a casino patron pulled that slots lever, it came up a loser. Whenever somebody told the blackjack dealer to hit on 12, they drew a 10. We could do no wrong."

By the end of the night, the casino walked away a major winner, up $515,274.

"I had a sense that we were doing pretty well," Brant said. "So I checked around with the pit bosses, and it turned out that nearly all the dealers and croupiers were way, way ahead. It was amazing. A night like that only comes along five, six times a week, tops."

While most players are content to focus on one or two games, the casino participated in every available coin-operated machine and table game, including roulette, blackjack, craps, Spanish 21, pai gow, baccarat, and Let It Ride.

"We've got a system," Brant said. "Our strategy is to bet against all the customers who come in here. Then we spread our bets around to each and every table and machine in the casino and keep at it for the long haul. We were down about $200 at one of the roulette tables, but were up on everything else, so we came out pretty much ahead. Actually, more than half a million ahead."

Bally's even fared well at the slot machines, an area that traditionally yields the lowest rate of success.

"You know how they say your worst odds are on the slots?" Brant said. "Well, we made over $33,000 in slots last night. Can you believe it? We were unstoppable."

Brant attributed his casino's impressive showing to a combination of luck and old-fashioned horse sense.

"We try not to play stupid," Brant said. "We never gamble more than we can afford to lose. And we try to never lose our heads. We leave that to the customers. We set aside a certain amount to gamble—that's our kitty—and if we double our money, we only play with our winnings after that. Right now, the kitty stands at around $176,500,000."

Bally's is in the midst of an impressive winning streak, coming out ahead an astonishing 6,753 nights in a row.

"This is quite a tear we're on," Brant said. "It's best if you go in with the attitude that you're just there to have fun and not to win big. That said, it's always a lot more fun when you're winning. And, baby, did we win that night!"

According to John Patrick, author of So You Want To Be A Gambler?, streaks like Bally's are uncommon.

"In my years as a professional gambler, I've had my share of great nights," Patrick said. "However, I've never been on a roll like the one Bally's is on. But then, with a guaranteed 52 percent success rate, it's unlikely that a casino would ever come out behind in an evening. If that were the case, casinos wouldn't exist as profitable entities."

In spite of its huge winnings, Bally's did not indulge in the traditional amenities offered to big winners, such as a free night's stay in the hotel or meal vouchers. Instead, the crew of the all-night casino changed over to the next shift without fanfare.

"Yeah, I suppose we could have partied all night with champagne, a penthouse suite, and all the rest, but we had a casino to run," Brant said. "The thing a lot of people don't realize about successful gamblers is that it's hard work making outrageous sums of money."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More