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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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Casino Reporting Steady Profits From Slot Machine That Promises Players They Will Lose

The Lose Your Dollar machine, which offers 0-100 odds of winning and no jackpot whatsoever, is said to be among the Bellagio’s most popular slots.
The Lose Your Dollar machine, which offers 0-100 odds of winning and no jackpot whatsoever, is said to be among the Bellagio’s most popular slots.

LAS VEGAS—Touting robust traffic on par with some of its most popular games, representatives from Las Vegas’ Bellagio resort said Thursday that the casino was enjoying steady profits from a new slot machine that explicitly guarantees players they will lose.

The Lose Your Dollar machines, 48 of which were reportedly installed on the casino’s main gaming floor several weeks ago, feature a large, prominent placard bolted to the front panel that unambiguously notifies players in six different languages that they have absolutely no chance of receiving any kind of payout.

“We’re incredibly pleased there’s been such demand for a slot that makes winning utterly impossible,” said casino representative Kelly Ambrose, emphasizing that while some slot machines have traditionally offered longer odds than others, Lose Your Dollar is the first to remove success from gameplay entirely. “From what we’ve seen, people are genuinely excited about inserting a dollar bill, losing, and then inserting another dollar bill.”

“And we’re more than happy to have them as our guests at the Bellagio,” added Ambrose.

According to casino sources, each of the new machines features a simple design consisting of a plain gray outer casing with a side-mounted handle that, when pulled, immediately informs the player that he or she has lost the game by flashing the word “LOSER” on a screen and sounding a loud buzzer. Noticeably absent from the Lose Your Dollar slot are revolving reels of colorful icons or a payout tray, which Bellagio officials confirmed was due to the fact no winning scenarios exist and no money will ever be disbursed. Once they lose, players are quickly prompted to insert more cash through a lighted slot for bills, which reportedly accepts denominations as high as $100.

Bellagio representatives confirmed that all of the Lose Your Dollar slots are almost always in use, typically with several people standing nearby waiting to play even during slower weekday and early morning periods. The new games also reportedly appeal to a wide demographic, with men and women and young and old players alike feeding their money into the machines and walking away empty-handed 100 percent of the time.

“Sometimes a slot takes a while to heat up, so I just have to be patient,” said Leonard Grant, 54, a Bellagio guest who told reporters he was undeterred despite having lost approximately $750 in four hours at a Lose Your Dollar machine. “If I quit now, I might be walking away from a jackpot that the next guy’s gonna get.”

“It only takes one lucky break,” added Grant, inserting another dollar bill into the game and pulling the handle. “Damn! Think I’m getting close, though. I can feel it.”

If the new slot machines continue to perform well, the Bellagio will reportedly move ahead with similar gaming innovations, including a roulette wheel without a ball and a totally blank craps table where players can simply dump their chips and leave.

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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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