Casinos Getting People To Play Longer By Telling Them Rest Of Civilization Destroyed

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Vol 50 Issue 16

Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover

McDonald’s officials announced this week that they are redesigning longtime mascot Ronald McDonald with a new outfit and will begin mentioning him on Twitter using the hashtag #ronaldmcdonald, though he does not yet have an account of his own.

Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes

Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Casinos Getting People To Play Longer By Telling Them Rest Of Civilization Destroyed

LAS VEGAS—Calling the practice a proven method for keeping players engaged, several Nevada casinos confirmed this week they often tell patrons that the rest of civilization has been obliterated in a worldwide catastrophic event and that the gambling facilities contain the last vestiges of humanity left on earth. “Whenever our security cameras spot someone empty their last cup of quarters or walk away from a gaming table, we send an employee over to inform them that society as we know it no longer exists and that the world beyond our lobby is an uninhabitable wasteland,” Luxor general manager Paul Milton said, adding that they typically soften the blow by offering customers a complimentary drink or free tickets to see Criss Angel. “It’s surprising how quickly most people will return to the casino floor once they’ve been told that everyone they’ve ever cared about has been vaporized in an inescapable cataclysm and that our walls are their only shield against deadly radiation. In fact, for the slots players, you can barely get two words out about humankind’s downfall before they’ve turned around and started hurrying back to the machines.” For less compliant patrons, Milton added that the casino will typically throw in a free night in its hotel while they decide if they want to stay and gamble or venture out and take their chances with The Horde.

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