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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Castro Passes Pitching Duties To Brother While Undergoing Tommy John Surgery

HAVANA—After struggling all year with control problems possibly related to his radical delivery, lefty Cuban hurler Fidel Castro has placed himself on the disabled list to undergo Tommy John surgery on his throwing elbow, allowing Fidel's brother Raul Castro to be called up and given his spot in the rotation. "I provisionally delegate my pitching responsibilities to my brother while I recover from this minor, common, and statistically safe surgical procedure," Fidel said in a written statement. "I have full confidence that Raul will continue our successful campaign. This is not a time to let up in our pursuit of our goals. Onward to victory!" Raul, who has spent his entire professional career in the shadow of his older and more talented brother, is said to have potential as a short reliever despite lacking Fidel's raw power.

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