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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Casual Fan Ready To Introduce NFL To His Parents

HAZEL PARK, MI—Claiming that this season has been pretty entertaining, casual football fan Reggie Butler, 29, told reporters Sunday that he was ready to introduce his parents to the NFL, predicting that his mother and father would probably enjoy all its unexpected twists and turns. “I got really into it last year, and that season ended with like this big thing that I think Mom and Dad would really like,” said Butler, adding that the NFL “gets better and better as you watch it.” “I was blown away by the finale. The way they resolved it. I never saw it coming. Early in the year it wasn’t as good, but now there are all these new storylines developing and a lot of great recurring characters.” At press time, Butler had reportedly decided to take his parents to a live NFL performance.

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