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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Casual NASCAR Fan Fails To Appreciate Subtleties Of Eight-Car Crash

WESTCHESTER, NY—Occasional stock-car-racing viewer Rob Kleindienst remained unaware of, if not unimpressed by, the strategic and mechanical intricacies of a late-race accident involving eight different drivers in last Sunday's Dickies 500 at the Texas Speedway. "Wow, it just looked like the Bud Light guy barely tapped that No. 10 car and everyone just went all over the place," said Kleindienst, attempting to describe what happened when driver Kevin Harvick's approach interrupted the airflow over the spoiler of Scott Riggs' Dodge Charger, causing a loss of mechanical adhesion that resulted in catastrophic understeer and ultimately a cascading racing incident. "It was, like, sheeeoow! Whammo! Guys flying everywhere." NASCAR officials said that although Kleindienst is certainly lacking in technical knowledge, the hand motions, facial contortions, and onomatopoeia he employed while describing the accident all met or exceeded their standards.

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