Casual One-Nighter Gives Strom Thurmond Change Of Heart On Gay Issue

In This Section

Vol 31 Issue 12

Local Man Helped Every Day By Salad Shooter

CINCINNATI—A Presto Appliance advertising slogan was proven accurate Tuesday, when local resident Larry McCue announced that he is helped every day by the Presto Salad Shooter. "The Salad Shooter helps me every day," McCue said. "Whether I am shredding whole potatoes into hash browns at breakfast time, or preparing healthful salads and other entrees later in the day, no day goes by without help from my Salad Shooter." In addition to the culinary assistance provided by the appliance, McCue said that on one occasion he knocked an intruder unconscious with the compact, easy-to-clean appliance. Presto officials stressed that the Salad Shooter is not meant for use as a blunt weapon.

Clinton's Lower Lip 'Very Concerned' About Albanian Crisis

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move expected to cause a slight jutting of his lower jaw region, it was announced Monday that President Clinton's lower lip is "very concerned" about the ongoing civil unrest in Albania. A spokesperson for the president's lower lip told reporters that it would be "protruding outward with care, yet sliding slightly upward in a show of caution and prudence." It remains unclear whether this move will obscure the mucous membrane of his upper lip. "Clinton's lower lip is very aware that, considering the seriousness of the Albanian situation, complete upper-lip coverage is a possibility, but it is not making any decision at this time," the spokesperson said. Many insiders predict that Clinton's brow may also furrow slightly.

Creative Alcoholic Comes Up With Idea To Drink A Lot

GALVESTON, TX—Area alcoholic Joe Roush unveiled Monday a bold, counterintuitive plan for this weekend: to become intoxicated by the alcohol his body desperately craves. "After much rumination, I have brainstormed a plan to become thoroughly drunk through the consumption of beer and hard liquor," Roush said. "I created this plan myself, though playwright Brendan Behan was a source of inspiration." Key to Roush's plan will be switching from beer to scotch at around midnight.

Israel Agrees To Creation Of Palestinian Homeroom

WEST BANK—In a historic breakthrough in the struggle for peace in the Middle East, Israeli and PLO leaders settled on a large ground-floor room in a West Bank office building to be used as a Palestinian homeroom. "Finally, we, the people of Palestine, have a room to call our own, a place where we can go at the beginning of each day to take attendance and listen to announcements," PLO leader Yasser Arafat said. The PLO held out until the 11th hour of negotiations, insisting that all Palestinians be permitted to talk quietly in their new homeroom.

You're Doomed!

Several nights ago I couldn't sleep a wink due to an ongoing bout of the ague. Restless, I barked at my nurse to open the window so that some fresh air could clear the fetid odor of my bedchamber. As she drew the curtain, she revealed a sight that sent stark terror down my aged and malformed spine. A comet! The hairy-star of lore, the legendary harbinger of doom and portent of evil!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Casual One-Nighter Gives Strom Thurmond Change Of Heart On Gay Issue

WASHINGTON, DC—Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC), widely known for his conservative views, retooled his hard-line stance against homosexuality after a casual one-nighter last weekend with a D.C.-area man identified only as "Stan."

Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC), long known for his opposition to "wicked, homosexual perverts," has rethought his stance in the wake of a recent romantic encounter.

Thurmond, 93, first elected to Congress in 1956 on a segregationist platform, described the homoerotic rendezvous as "a remarkably loving and mutually rewarding exchange of affection between two consenting adults."

"I was mistaken when I said that homosexuals were perverts bent on the destruction of the family and the nation through their wicked, deviant sex acts," a visibly glowing Thurmond told reporters. "Stan respected me for who I was, not just for my body. He was a sharp dresser and a charming conversationalist, not to mention a considerate and attentive lover."

"To all my longtime constituents," Thurmond continued, "I want to stress that this sexual episode was neither planned nor expected. I was heading home from my senate office after working late on a revised defense budget, when I was approached by a tall, handsome man who asked if he could buy me a drink. We had a wonderful conversation about old Judy Garland movies, the sort I used to love back when I was in my mid-70s. Before I knew it, Stan was asking me back to his place to see his house plants. He had incredible blue eyes, the kind that no legislator—liberal or conservative—could resist."

Thurmond went on to state that they had stayed up nearly half the night, talking about such varied topics as men's wear; low-fat gourmet cooking; and the tragic, early deaths of silver-screen luminaries James Dean and Marilyn Monroe.

Thurmond said that his new found friend, a systems analyst in the greater D.C. area, held and cuddled him as he fell asleep, then left him a plate of cheese and fresh fruit salad before leaving for work the following morning.

"He would not have made me breakfast if all he cared about was sex," Thurmond said. "Stan saw me as more than just a piece of meat."

Though reluctant to discuss more personal, intimate details of the encounter, Thurmond did say that "you have not lived until you have brought another man to climax using only your lips and tongue."

Thurmond's aides were quick to point out that despite the homoerotic nature of the encounter and the fact that Thurmond and the gentleman in question have since become "very close," the senator does not consider himself "gay."

"I see no reason why we must put labels on the senator," said Harlan Richardson, Thurmond's longtime press secretary. "It is unfair to judge a man's entire identity on one sexual episode alone. Why must we always speak of 'gay' or 'straight,' when human sexuality is so much more complex than that?"

"Gay, straight, bi—we are all just people," Thurmond said. "Yes, I have known the love that dare not speak its name, but I am still just me, Senator Strom Thurmond—a human being."

Thurmond noted that he had been exploring only one facet of his sexuality, and that he remained deeply devoted to his family. He then thanked his wife for being supportive and understanding of his emotional growth.

"In conclusion, I would just like to say to all the gays and lesbians, against whom I have spoken out so vociferously throughout my career, I am sorry," Thurmond said, shedding tears. "If an old man like me, set in his ways, can in his twilight years open his heart to a new understanding, not only of homosexuality, but also of himself, then perhaps it is not too late for all of us to see the truth. I hope you can find it within yourselves to forgive me."

The senator then died.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More