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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—After several hours of drunken Spring Break revelry Monday, Ron Viselic, 19, and Becky Pell, 18, returned to Pell's motel room for surprisingly formal casual sex. "We were laughing and doing body shots at the bar, but when we got back to my room, things turned all businesslike," Pell said. "He kept asking me if it was okay to take off each piece of clothing, then he wouldn't do anything but missionary." Following the methodical, strangely businesslike intercourse, Viselic and Pell spent five minutes "spooning" before Viselic dressed and left.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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