Cat Fancy Magazine Blasts Area Kitten

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Vol 30 Issue 08

Advertiser Reaches Out To Youth With Off-Set, Mixed-Typography Font

NEW YORK—In a bold, unconventional attempt to target America's elusive youth demographic, the advertising firm of Saatchi & Saatchi will utilize an off-set, mixed-typography font in its upcoming print campaign for Sprite. "We feel this crazy, jagged, broken typewriter-style font will resonate strongly with the jaded youth of Generation X," said Stephen Freed, co-director of creative services for the New York-based advertising giant. "Its broken, imperfect look captures perfectly that disillusioned, anti-commercial, 'I don't fall for slickness, dude' sentiment of today's slacker youth grunge culture. It also scanned extremely well with our test focus groups."

Local Muppet Held For Questioning In Chicken Sex Ring

SHELBY, OH—An area muppet is being held for questioning regarding its role in an illegal underground chicken sex ring. The unnamed muppet, described as a blue, hyperactive, beaked male of unknown species, is suspected to have master-minded the operation, which involved some 2,500 chickens in 11 states. "Henrietta! Myrtle! Lucy!" the muppet shouted as Department of Animal Welfare officials dragged him from his home, where he was found naked Monday with more than two dozen female chickens.

West Bank Rioting Shatters 45 Minutes Of Middle East Peace

NABLUS, WEST BANK—Riots broke out in the streets of Nablus at 3 p.m. Monday, shattering a Middle East peace that had lasted for nearly 45 minutes. The violence, which left 15 Palestinian civilians and at least a dozen Israeli soldiers dead, was the most significant fighting to erupt in the volatile region since 2:15 p.m. that same day, when an Israeli tank ran over 85 rock-throwing Palestinians in the Gaza Strip. "Just before lunch, I believed things were moving forward," said disappointed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, speaking from a Jerusalem-area falafel shop. "But now that this delicious falafel and hummus sandwich is done, I just do not know." Netanyahu vowed to work with PLO leader Yasser Arafat to secure a true, lasting peace that will endure well into weekend.

Area Cockroach Fucking Huge

CLEVELAND—According to reports, a local cockroach discovered in a downtown apartment Monday is fucking huge. "Jesus Christ," said tenant Jeff Reiner, invoking the noted savior's name to emphasize the tremendous size of the insect. "That thing is fucking huge—did you see the size of that thing?" Added Reiner: "Damn, that's a fucking big cockroach."

Yeltsin's Failing Health

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

I Would Like To Win a Prize

This morning the telephone rang while I was downstairs washing some slacks, so I rushed upstairs and caught it on the 14th ring. To my surprise it wasn't my daughter in Tulsa or my neighbor Cecil, but a young man who told me I'd qualified for the final prize round for a trip to exotic Mexico City! I didn't remember signing up for any trip to exotic Mexico City, but I told the man, "Why, that's super—I would like to win a prize!"

Local Moviegoer Enjoying Movie So Far

OAKLAND, CA—It was recently learned that local moviegoer Jane Pressler, who went to see a showing of The First Wives Club at Oakland's Sunrise Multiplex just a short while ago, is enjoying the movie so far. "I'm really enjoying this movie so far," said Pressler, a dental hygienist whose favorite film is The Bodyguard. "I just can't wait to see what Goldie, Bette and Diane do to get even with those no-good, jerk ex-husbands of theirs." Moments later, Pressler erupted in laughter at a Bette Midler wisecrack relating to the IQ of her ex-husband's current, younger girlfriend. Said Pressler: "She's crazy!"
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Cat Fancy Magazine Blasts Area Kitten

TILDEN, OH—A article just published in the October issue of Cat Fancy magazine blasts local kitten Mr. Paws, calling him "far from purr-fect" and a "cat-aclysmic failure."

"Unlike the typical feline that appears in Cat Fancy, Mr. Paws does not behave in a manner that can in any way be considered adorable or cuddly," said Neil Kilmer, Cat Fancy features editor and cat enthusiast. "During the entire time I observed Mr. Paws, not once did he climb into a paper bag and stick his head out quizzically. Nor did he ever unroll any lengths of ribbon or yarn, afterwards innocently looking up from the entangled mess as if to say, 'Who, me?' Finally, if that weren't enough, he never fell off the edge of a tree branch, gripping it precariously with his fuzzy little paws and 'hanging in there,' so to speak."

"Unfortunately," Kilmer concluded, "Mr. Paws appears to be totally devoid of any 'purr-sonality' whatsoever. He couldn't possibly be any 'fur-ther' from the caliber of kitty that Cat Fancy usually showcases."

Mr. Paws' owner, Helen Smallings, strongly disagreed with Cat Fancy's assessment of her pet. "I really love Mr. Paws and he loves me. Don't you, Mr. Pawsy Wawsy?" said Smallings, a single, slightly overweight, 38-year-old part-time secretary. "He's his own little man!"

As a result of the scathing Cat Fancy article, whenever Mr. Paws leaps to bask in the warmth of one of the front windowsills, Smallings is forced to close the blinds to protect him from the jeers and laughter of the neighbors.

"I read that piece on Mr. Paws in the latest Cat Fancy—we all did," neighbor Paula Corcoran said. "That kitten is crap."

Despite his harsh words for Mr. Paws, Kilmer admitted the kitten's lack of cuddliness may have been in part circumstantial. "A kitten benefits from the presence of deep shag rugs that offset its fur color and fish bowls to peer into bewilderedly or bat excitedly, things Mr. Paws lacks," he said. "In addition, there are no beagles on site next to whom Mr. Paws can curl up and fall asleep. Now, wouldn't that be cute?"

Local kitten Mr. Paws has had to endure the jeers and ridicule of neighbors and strangers alike after the publication of a scathing piece in <I>Cat Fancy</I> (top), which calls him a "fur-ocious failure" and "utterly a-paw-ling."

In response to Kilmer, Smallings said, "Just the other day, Mr. Paws was on the couch all stretched out, and I put the remote control next to his paw. It was the cutest thing!"

Cat Fancy said it could not consider the cute pose in its evaluation of the animal without at least a Polaroid of it, or, ideally, an 8x10 glossy photo enclosed in a light blue frame with kitties chasing a ball of pink yarn around its perimeter.

A similarly persuasive photo, according to Cat Fancy, would depict Mr. Paws doing one of the following: wearing a pair of sunglasses; curling up inside a country western hat; "kissing" a jack o' lantern; or dripping wet after falling into the sink, looking like he was having "One Of Those Days!"

Evaluating an appeal from Smallings at a special meeting in the Persian Room, Cat Fancy's Editorial Board determined yesterday that "Mr. Paws is most definitely a 'cat-astrophe.'"

"Sometimes a decidedly unsnuggly cat is redeemed by its air of grandiosity and haughtiness," board member Joyce Reamish said. "Such is the case with our Cat Pic of the Month, a Siamese named Sheba from Grand Forks, ND. Sheba was photographed while poised on a mahogany table bathed in natural sunlight, the garden just beyond the window. The look on her face is 100 percent sassy. Mr. Paws, on the other hand, is sassless."

"Age is certainly an issue with this particular feline," Kilmer said. "Before long, Mr. Paws will have passed through the prime stage of kittenhood fuzziness, out of both the adorably awkward period of quick growth and the rambunctious, playful months."

"Within a year he will likely be a sedate and reclusive adult cat that's sadly overweight in the midsection, a condition only acceptable on the matronly long-hair breeds. Mr. Paws' condition is truly 'a-paw-ling.'"

In a final indictment of the sub-par pet, Kilmer added: "Get this 'fur-ociously' inferior feline 'me-out' of my sight!"

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