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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Cat Looking Out Window, Bird Form Unbelievably Intense Fifth-Of-A-Second Bond

ADRIAN, MI—An extremely intense bond that lasted just 0.2 seconds, but which was filled with a range of deeply intertwined and conflicting emotions that included fear, hunger, curiosity, rage, and even—on some level—love, was reportedly felt Monday between Lionel, a tabby housecat, and a pine warbler. The brief, silent connection, described to reporters as an overwhelming, almost spiritual experience for both animals, almost as if everything in their short lives had been cosmically leading up to this very encounter, formed when Lionel, seated in his usual spot near the kitchen window, instinctually moved his head rapidly to the left and spotted the bird coming to rest on the patio table. During the milliseconds the two species locked eyes, age-old genetic impulses of survival were reportedly unlocked and the two animals were suddenly frozen in time, enveloped by the most primal and elemental forces of nature. According to witness accounts, at the height of their ever-so-short but fathomless bond, the cat and bird truly believed they were the only two living things in the entire universe, gripped by an almost paralyzing sense of yearning. The unexplained connection, which sources confirmed was as awesome, mighty, and holy as God Himself, ended as soon as it began when the warbler flew away and Lionel scratched his ear and lay down.

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