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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Cat Looking Out Window, Bird Form Unbelievably Intense Fifth-Of-A-Second Bond

ADRIAN, MI—An extremely intense bond that lasted just 0.2 seconds, but which was filled with a range of deeply intertwined and conflicting emotions that included fear, hunger, curiosity, rage, and even—on some level—love, was reportedly felt Monday between Lionel, a tabby housecat, and a pine warbler. The brief, silent connection, described to reporters as an overwhelming, almost spiritual experience for both animals, almost as if everything in their short lives had been cosmically leading up to this very encounter, formed when Lionel, seated in his usual spot near the kitchen window, instinctually moved his head rapidly to the left and spotted the bird coming to rest on the patio table. During the milliseconds the two species locked eyes, age-old genetic impulses of survival were reportedly unlocked and the two animals were suddenly frozen in time, enveloped by the most primal and elemental forces of nature. According to witness accounts, at the height of their ever-so-short but fathomless bond, the cat and bird truly believed they were the only two living things in the entire universe, gripped by an almost paralyzing sense of yearning. The unexplained connection, which sources confirmed was as awesome, mighty, and holy as God Himself, ended as soon as it began when the warbler flew away and Lionel scratched his ear and lay down.

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