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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Cat Looking Out Window, Bird Form Unbelievably Intense Fifth-Of-A-Second Bond

ADRIAN, MI—An extremely intense bond that lasted just 0.2 seconds, but which was filled with a range of deeply intertwined and conflicting emotions that included fear, hunger, curiosity, rage, and even—on some level—love, was reportedly felt Monday between Lionel, a tabby housecat, and a pine warbler. The brief, silent connection, described to reporters as an overwhelming, almost spiritual experience for both animals, almost as if everything in their short lives had been cosmically leading up to this very encounter, formed when Lionel, seated in his usual spot near the kitchen window, instinctually moved his head rapidly to the left and spotted the bird coming to rest on the patio table. During the milliseconds the two species locked eyes, age-old genetic impulses of survival were reportedly unlocked and the two animals were suddenly frozen in time, enveloped by the most primal and elemental forces of nature. According to witness accounts, at the height of their ever-so-short but fathomless bond, the cat and bird truly believed they were the only two living things in the entire universe, gripped by an almost paralyzing sense of yearning. The unexplained connection, which sources confirmed was as awesome, mighty, and holy as God Himself, ended as soon as it began when the warbler flew away and Lionel scratched his ear and lay down.

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