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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Cat Placed On 5 Minutes’ Half-Assed Observation After Possibly Ingesting Plastic Thing

AUSTIN, TX—Immediately jumping into superficial action, local woman Catherine Nielson, 32, placed her cat, Reggie, on five minutes of half-assed observation Tuesday night after the gray tabby possibly ingested a small plastic thing from her apartment floor. “I saw him gnawing on some little white piece of plastic, so I’m just going to briefly and sporadically glance over at him for the next couple minutes,” said Nielson while seated on her living room sofa, vowing to reporters that she would not let Reggie leave her peripheral vision until after the next commercial break. “I’ll just make sure he’s not making any weird noises or anything. Really, as long as I’m in the same room as him and occasionally remember to look over in his direction, that should probably be fine.” At press time, Nielson’s cat had quietly retreated to the corner to finish chewing on the piece of plastic.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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