adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cat Placed On 5 Minutes’ Half-Assed Observation After Possibly Ingesting Plastic Thing

AUSTIN, TX—Immediately jumping into superficial action, local woman Catherine Nielson, 32, placed her cat, Reggie, on five minutes of half-assed observation Tuesday night after the gray tabby possibly ingested a small plastic thing from her apartment floor. “I saw him gnawing on some little white piece of plastic, so I’m just going to briefly and sporadically glance over at him for the next couple minutes,” said Nielson while seated on her living room sofa, vowing to reporters that she would not let Reggie leave her peripheral vision until after the next commercial break. “I’ll just make sure he’s not making any weird noises or anything. Really, as long as I’m in the same room as him and occasionally remember to look over in his direction, that should probably be fine.” At press time, Nielson’s cat had quietly retreated to the corner to finish chewing on the piece of plastic.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close