adBlockCheck

Local

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cat Refuses To Die

SOMERVILLE, MA—Despite his advanced age, near-complete physical decay, and constant bouts of renal failure, area cat Socrates vehemently refuses to die, sources reported Tuesday.

Socrates

"He's a sweet old guy, and he's been through a lot," said Brian Pressman, 33, who received the cat as a birthday present during middle school. "But no matter how weak he seems or how many times he's diagnosed with something fatal, he just keeps bouncing back. Every single time."

Added Pressman, with a sigh, "He sure is a persistent one."

In the past week alone, Pressman has taken Socrates to visit the veterinarian three times, missing a half day of work on Monday to treat the stubborn cat for a nagging eye infection. Once there, however, the veterinarian discovered that Socrates had developed ulcers and would require special medication that will likely lengthen the 19-year-old feline's life for another unknown period of time.

The seemingly indestructible Socrates is currently on five separate prescriptions at a monthly cost of $224.

Modern medicine helps keep Socrates alive for God knows how much longer.

"We came to peace with the fact that Socrates might pass away when we found that tumor on his head last Christmas," said wife Emily Pressman, 31, whose 2-year-old son David has thus far been unable to kill the cat despite his playful but relentless physical abuse. "And then again in April when he fell off the table and hurt his leg. Frankly, I figured it would only be a matter of time after that, but he's still here. Still kicking."

"We never could have imagined that he'd live this long," she added. "Not in a million years."

Socrates, who apparently rejects the very concept of mortality, sleeps an estimated 20 hours a day and hasn't had a solid bowel movement in more than a year, Pressman told reporters. Moreover, the cat requires a twice-daily subcutaneous saline and electrolyte injection to manage the severe kidney problems that began three years ago. The couple takes turns completing this humiliating, time-consuming task, and must also perform the animal's morning feeding ritual—which requires a special food for older cats to be ground up and watered down so Socrates' feeble teeth and digestive tracts can better handle it.

"Just like clockwork, Socrates and I are up bright and early every morning at six when he starts howling and howling," Emily Pressman said. "Sometimes it's more like 5:30 if he's having one of his vomiting spells. Of course, that's assuming he hasn't woken us up already with those deep, mournful moans. But once I force-feed him his hyperthyroid pills and clean up the mess, he's usually pretty quiet for the rest of the day. I tend to forget he's even around."

Of all the occasions in the past few years when Socrates has somehow managed to escape death's cold embrace, none was more harrowing, the Pressmans said, than the summer of 2004, when a weak and anguished Socrates was rushed to the hospital with the deadly feline virus panleukopenia.

"He was in such pain that we were hoping and praying that Socrates would go to a better place," Brian Pressman said. "That was over five years ago. Luckily, the doctors figured out a treatment that only cost $2,700, and here we are today. Alive and well. Five years later. It's a miracle, all right."

"I honestly don't know what I'd do without him," Pressman added. "Besides not have a cat anymore."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close