adBlockCheck

Cat Refuses To Die

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Cat Refuses To Die

SOMERVILLE, MA—Despite his advanced age, near-complete physical decay, and constant bouts of renal failure, area cat Socrates vehemently refuses to die, sources reported Tuesday.

Socrates

"He's a sweet old guy, and he's been through a lot," said Brian Pressman, 33, who received the cat as a birthday present during middle school. "But no matter how weak he seems or how many times he's diagnosed with something fatal, he just keeps bouncing back. Every single time."

Added Pressman, with a sigh, "He sure is a persistent one."

In the past week alone, Pressman has taken Socrates to visit the veterinarian three times, missing a half day of work on Monday to treat the stubborn cat for a nagging eye infection. Once there, however, the veterinarian discovered that Socrates had developed ulcers and would require special medication that will likely lengthen the 19-year-old feline's life for another unknown period of time.

The seemingly indestructible Socrates is currently on five separate prescriptions at a monthly cost of $224.

Modern medicine helps keep Socrates alive for God knows how much longer.

"We came to peace with the fact that Socrates might pass away when we found that tumor on his head last Christmas," said wife Emily Pressman, 31, whose 2-year-old son David has thus far been unable to kill the cat despite his playful but relentless physical abuse. "And then again in April when he fell off the table and hurt his leg. Frankly, I figured it would only be a matter of time after that, but he's still here. Still kicking."

"We never could have imagined that he'd live this long," she added. "Not in a million years."

Socrates, who apparently rejects the very concept of mortality, sleeps an estimated 20 hours a day and hasn't had a solid bowel movement in more than a year, Pressman told reporters. Moreover, the cat requires a twice-daily subcutaneous saline and electrolyte injection to manage the severe kidney problems that began three years ago. The couple takes turns completing this humiliating, time-consuming task, and must also perform the animal's morning feeding ritual—which requires a special food for older cats to be ground up and watered down so Socrates' feeble teeth and digestive tracts can better handle it.

"Just like clockwork, Socrates and I are up bright and early every morning at six when he starts howling and howling," Emily Pressman said. "Sometimes it's more like 5:30 if he's having one of his vomiting spells. Of course, that's assuming he hasn't woken us up already with those deep, mournful moans. But once I force-feed him his hyperthyroid pills and clean up the mess, he's usually pretty quiet for the rest of the day. I tend to forget he's even around."

Of all the occasions in the past few years when Socrates has somehow managed to escape death's cold embrace, none was more harrowing, the Pressmans said, than the summer of 2004, when a weak and anguished Socrates was rushed to the hospital with the deadly feline virus panleukopenia.

"He was in such pain that we were hoping and praying that Socrates would go to a better place," Brian Pressman said. "That was over five years ago. Luckily, the doctors figured out a treatment that only cost $2,700, and here we are today. Alive and well. Five years later. It's a miracle, all right."

"I honestly don't know what I'd do without him," Pressman added. "Besides not have a cat anymore."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close